Busy, Busy, Busy...Time

Work has been so busy, busy, busy...Meetings, meetings, meetings all day today. The good thing about being busy is that there is no time to think about time. Why do we count time? Sometimes I wished we didn't count time, age... There was a time when we kept track of seasons for survival purposes. Knowing the best time to plant and rotate crops...food. Understanding the migratory cycles and habits of animals. Knowing how the phases of the moon impact the tide...River banks rising and receding.

I often times feel so rushed. There are nights when I stay up as long as I can to try to get the most out of my Saturday night because Sunday is the slow march of resistence to the dreaded Monday. Most of us are working for someone else and we don't really want to be bothered. We don't wanna go except...we gotta eat. Every now and then I meet someone who really likes what they do to earn money. Me...I'm working on it. I realize more and more that I get out what I put in. It comes back. I realize that I do deserve to be happy. Iyanla Vanzant says that "Life is an act of Faith. Struggle is optional." I believe that. Life is more than struggling to get by. Many of us become addicted to such an existence...struggle, adversity, chaos. Those are all choices. Yes, those things come to us. There is no escaping them totally in life. But for those states to become life or what life is ALL about...it's a sadistic notion.

Time...is it real? Or an illusion fed and created by wo/man? How many have traveled in dreams, in sleep to other places and ..."times"?
Is time strictly linear? Or, is it multi-dimensional? Layered?

I've been busy lately. Feeling a lot of pressure to meet deadline. Be at this place at this particular time. Feeling that my body is out of sync with the demands that I am putting p on it. not waking up naturally sometimes but getting jolted from natural sleep rhythms by alarms that alarm my system. I naturally wake up with the Sun...we rise together. As he falls below the horizon, so do I. Natural rhythms...circadian rhythms. Keeping time naturally. Our bodies are complex systems.

In tune, in sync to nature naturally, but often taken out of it's rhythm, it's way dis-ease sets in. Sleep disorders, depressions, disconnects from what is natural for us.
Going with the natural flow of things, of life seems optimal. But how do we maintain the balance? I spend three hours a day driving, easily. I don't eat when my body says it needs sustenance. I hold my pee because I am in an "important" meeting. When my body says slow down, I feel guilty because I am not doing anything but "resting", which has the mixed message of being lazy. So many mixed messages...I want balance and congruence...All my sides equal.

Peace. Love. Light

LOVE

Be it today!

I am just about finished with my latest scarf. I am
still interested in making crocheted flowers but still
don't know how yet.

Yesterday, I got an easel and a watercolor how-to book.
It was a gift. Thanks for the gift. I don't feel
like painting just yet. I still have a few things to
get. But I am excited about drawing and painting
again. It has been years since I last painted.

I've been playing the Sims today. I don't have The
Sims 2 because I don't have enough hard disk space nor
do I have a processor that is fast enough to operate
it without it looking like a slide show. I am really
excited about the game though. It is addictive. i
remember when I first got it...I played for hours. I
got tired of being pulled in to it for hours at a time
so I hid the game from myself for about a year. I
think I even took it off the computer altogether.

Well, let me get back to the sims. later...

Innocence

Restless Spirit

I have felt very unsettled the last couple of days. I'm not really sure why. I can tell instantly when I am off kilter...when balance isn't here. What can it be? Is it a message, a reminder to be still why I am not sure what to do or what's going on? This morning I was so restless I got up before the Sun rose and started exercising. I've felt so stagnate physically. I had to move, move, move. It was warm this morning. I had on a sweatshirt and sweatpants. No coat or jacket and I was just fine. The Sun rose over the river creating a yellow glassy stream of light across the water. It was bright. I was tempted to look directly in the eyes of Ra but was frightened I would be blinded physically. Spiritually I am blind today. My brain is working overtime to figure this one out. But I realize I must open my heart...listen, hear, speak it's language to understand the messages. I must stop judging these quiet, silent spaces. I am resisting being where I am. I am judging it negatively.

Life has changed so much over the past year. I actually feel happier and more at peace within. My numbness has lifted. I have experienced more emotion than I sometimes feel I can bare. I am so thankfull for feeling. All feelings. I have often resisted expressing so-called negative emotions. I've always wanted to choose what I will feel because we have the power to do so. I am learning to find balance between choosing emotion and reactions, and emotional honesty. Denial and avoidance do not bring about change. Nor do they provide us with the opportunity to practice. We must experience certain things so that we can learn from the process. How do we get from point A to point B? We do not will our way to Wisdom and enlightenment. We learn, study and practice. Some gifts are bestowed upon us by the ALL, but mastery comes from practice. Nothing worth having comes easy. My so-called negative emotions have played a vital role in my growth. Sadness brings with her messages. So do joy and pain. In my greatest hours of darkness and despair, I met God. No one wants to feel pain. But when it comes, it comes with gifts. If we hash things out, we realize gifts that we never knew we could possess. What is the pain telling you? Is there a better way to this thing or that? Are we avoiding making decisions about our lives? We go through things... wrestle with our inner selves. That's how we grow through things. When we are passive and seek to avoid we go through as bystanders hoping and prayer to get off life's treadmill.

As I write I am realizing that emotional honesty and emotional expression are not choices for me. They are a must. I must speak my truth. It doesn't have to hurt anyone. At least that is not the intent. Before I sat to write, I felt as if I had nothing to say. But that isn't true. I always have something to say even if it is to myself. I often Censor myself because i don't want to offend anyone. It takes a lot to be honest. Not the type of honesty that tramples over anothers feelings for the sake of being hurtfull. Like you ugly or something like that. Some things are better left unside when you are faced with belittling another. It's unnecessary. I want to bring more beauty to the world.

Jim Carrey was on 60 minutes last Sunday and on Oprah yesterday. During both interviews he stated that he isn't acting anymore except in movies. He wasn't going to perform or be silly on demand. I understand that so well. It is habit to to say "Fine" when someone asks "How are you?" Why is "Fine" expected and accepted by us when it isn't our truth? Sometimes we are near others who can tell...something isn't right her. I am usually that person who can tell when isn't "A-okay!" My daily bread must be honesty...emotionally honest with myself.

Honestly, Today, I believe that I am sad because I miss a friend who brings great comfort to me. I am spoiled. I admit it. I have been since I was very young. It's something I am growing through right now. I feel my spirit settling now.

Now I know...restless spirit means I am not speaking from my heart honestly. It means I am not speaking fearlessly/honestly. Honesty is love is the opposite of fear. Hmm! Let me let that marinate for a minute.

It is such the habit for me to be silent/quiet. Silence is fine but not at the cost of honesty expression of self. Speak up. Speak out. Sometimes silence kills.

Christmas' pagan origins

Christmas' pagan origins

Fallujah in Pictures

Fallujah in Pictures

Not for the weak stomached...

Black Friday

Usually everything associated with the word Black is negative when spoken in the context of American society. But I heard something the other day that got me to thinking. "Black Friday" is the term used for the Friday after Thanksgiving. It's Black Friday because businesses expect to make profits. Their numbers...profits are expected to be in the black (positive) and not the red (deficit/negative). Accountants are familiar with the black and red when using numbers and describing profits.

I just found it interesting that everything black in America is usually negative...blackmail, blackballed, black listed...

Athletes, entertainers...Black is good when it's associated with a profit.

I'm not shopping on Friday.

Thanksgiving Eve

Whew! Finally home...Traffic is a mess. It's raining just enough to have slick roads. I made it home safely...Thank God. I've made all my stops. Picked up everything I need to pick up and now I can rest a little. I am looking forward to enjoying the next few days off from work. I had a few meetings today. I was so not interested in what we were talking about. You shouldn't plan meetings when there is a two hour early release and everyone is itching to get out of the building. I wasn't focused at all.

Enough of that...I am home. I wanna get in to my p.j.'s and chill on the sofa. But I think I might be going out to eat. Dang...so close to lounging but not quite there.

Restless

Why do I have an unsettled spirit today? I am restless. I am home and still unable to relax. I feel like a kid that doesn't want to take a nap for fear of missing out on something. I need to get over that and pretend I am at work. LOL

Change... Power

Changes are the only constant. We must learn to flow with them and not resist. Our pain in life comes from denial and resistence to what is. They say the only real is the invisible. Is that true? Many would say no. Our minds are powerfull. We have the ability to make real whatever we want. It's funny how we have the ability to create the so-called negative, but often doubt ourselves with the so-called positive. We are Co-Creators with the ALL.

I am powerfull. Full of power. I have created all that is around me.

One of those Days

Ok, It's one of those days where I am not interested
in doing anything related to what they pay me for
here. I feel kind of tired. I did sleep ok last
night, but my energy is low. It looks gloomy outside,
like the Sun was swallowed whole. There is enough
light to NOT be night.

I know that clouds must come some days, but why it
gotta get me like this. I am not one to take naps but
it would sure feel good right about now. Maybe I can
continue to sit here at my desk, stretch my hands
forward as if I am typing and go to sleep.

I do have reports that I can type. Let me muster up
the strength to focus...forget it. 44 minutes left...

Energy vortex...

Energy vortex... I had the most wonderfull dreams. There are places in earth that produce flood of emotions, energies, memories.


I posted this out of my sleep this morning at five something from my cell phone. (Yes, I can text and email to my blog.)

My dreams last night were HIGH energy dreams. I got the feeling that something is coming through...information. My deceased father, Thomas, was there in the dream. As usual, he is alive there. It is our time to commune. There was an energy center, a vortex that pulled me to it almost like a vacuum. I avoided going in to it. It was a lump of earth with an opening almost like a lid that hovered over the top of a well. In the dream, I dropped the television remote near it. When I grabbed for it, my arm was being pulled by the energy near the opening of the vortex.

A young man whom I did not recognize felt the need to go in and recover a part of himself. I thought, 'how brave of him...' I don't remember much else from the dream. But I know that I woke up excited. I could only repeat 'energy vortex, energy vortex' in my head. I reached for my cell phone to post my thoughts to blog. At first it was rejected because of an error of some type. I tried again and it posted this morning at 6:56am.

I know that I am an energy person. I speak, think and feel in energy terms. I am excited about sleep tonight. I shall meditate before bed, open Reiki channels and receive.

Busy

I was pretty busy today at work. I find that I am at my best when I am busy accomplishing something. I've written about having an idle mind...it doesn't work for me. I can find a million and one things to complain about when I'm not busy. There are times when I just like doing something, but that's not how it is at work. There is always something that I can do at work. The work doesn't stop. It's continuous...but I ofttimes take breaks. Well, today was a busy day and it felt good to be busy. I left work feeling that I had accomplished something. That's a good feeling.

We have one and a half days left in school before we break for Thanksgiving. A snow blizzard tonight would make a perfect ending to a good day but only if they closed school tomorrow. LOL

I don't think I can keep watching this Oprah Favorite Things Show. These teachers are getting mega, supa-dupa gifts...flat screen t.v., laptop, stuff, stuff, stuff....Teachers deserve it.

There should be major incentives given to teachers. If they can't make the money they deserve, companies should receive tax incentives to give teachers MAJOR discounts and freebies. If we made it worth their while, we probably wouldn't have a shortage of teachers.

I remember when teaching was a noble and revered profession. It was up there with being a doctor, lawyer or judge.

November

Today is November 21st. Whew! That really blows my mind when I sit and think of that fact. Life's clock keeps ticking...... We can't push a pause button, but we can put things on hold by denying it our attention. Even though we put it in suspended animation in our minds, everything else keeps moving around...people, processes. When things show up in our lives seeking our attention, we should make the time to commune with it to understand why it has shown up at this time. When loneliness, sadness, anger, fear, or whatever it is the shows up, ask it "why are you here? What are you here to reveal to me?"

Next Thursday is Thanksgiving Day. In my family it has been a time to come together with family, eat, eat, eat and laugh and share. There have been occasions when I've wanted to stay home, not travel to where family is. It became days off from work...time to rest. I look forward to the days off.

I really feel uncomfortable saying holiday because it is short for "holy day". With the commercialization of everything and all things sacred/holy being taken OUT of our ways and means, holy-day doesn't seem appropriate. Other countries use the term "holiday", like we use vacation or break for travel. I would use the term in this context if this society was as Christianized and understood the context in which I said it.

Whatever the term, I truly enjoy days off from work when I don't have to take leave. It is important to ritualize our lives. It becomes easier when we have children, which I do not. But I still need to do more to ritualize my life on a daily basis.

Commitment...Purpose...I am going to reflect on those two words today. Peace

Knitting

yesterday I picked a knitting kit. I started and it's going okay, but I would prefer a live demonstration. I saw a video that I can purchase. I think I need to sign up for a class. I still haven't take and posted pics of the crocheted scarfs. I will soon.

ramblings

It is a wonderfull place to be to have no complaints, concerns or worries. There are so many of us that are in a constant state of dissatisfaction. Life isn't life if they aren't struggling. I am so pleased that that is not my lot in life.

I remember days when I feared that something bad or unfortunate was to come because I felt good and that was such a strange occurence, feeling good was. I learned early that things will come...seemingly good things and bad things, situations. Things will always happen. It is our attitude that determines it's impact on our lives. I really try to be very conscious of the words I speak. Because they are seeds planted in the mind field. I try hard to watch who I associate with because their words and ways do eventually rub off on us if we spend large amounts of time with them. "Association brings on assimilation." Not sure if that's qoute correctly...another way to say it is "Birds of a feather flock together." I want to attract like minded individuals to me. I have sent out that request many times in my words, affirmings, and inner thoughts. Everyone that has shown up...even those that I have judged to be NOT like me, are very much like me. I learn from the people that I come in contact with. They have all been valuable teachers. I can say that because that is the lens through which I have chosen to see my experiences. I am always able to see myself if I look closely.

The folks that irritate us have something to teach us. We often hear of tolerance. And we do a lot of tolerating. When we tolerate we don't accept. Tolerating others means that we have not fully accepted some things about ourselves. We are each other...the good, the bad and the ungodly. Can I just accept you as U are and not try to change you? That is the direction I am growing.

I have seen many including myself, who have not produced for fear of being judged unkindly. Feeling that they/we are not good enough. We are each masters. We are directors and playwrites of our lives. Given dominion over the dome. We are each made unique for a reason. Yes, we have differences that we share, but we also have similarities. Let's be ourselves and appreciate all of us. When we see each other as extensions of ourselves, love ourselves and extend that love to others, the world, inside and out, will be a better place.

I am out for now to enjoy the day and the people I encounter. Peace, Love, Light

Happy Friday

It's Friiiiiiddddaaayyyyy!! yippee!

As U can probably tell... I am happy that today is Friday. I love the weekends! This week was a good week. I stayed very busy this week, which was actually a good thing. The days flew by. I went to bed early several nights this week. I felt very refreshed in the morning. Early, early morning is a very peacefull time when U aren't sleepy. i like watching the sun rise.

What are the plans this weekend? I will probably check out a movie this weekend. Spend some time on the crocheting project, another scarf. I wanna make a hat too. I need to get some paints too. If it's rainy outside, I'll probably opt for indoor activities. Get some reading in as well. When the Sun is shining at full blast, or a little bit blast, I feel compelled to be outside in it. I do want to hang out in DC around more people that look like me.

I haven't been writing lately. Maybe I will take a few minutes to get something down on paper or disk (lol).

Thanksgiving is coming up...I am hoping to go somewhere, but I'm not sure of the plans yet. We shall see...

Have a good day all! Be back later! Me gots work to do!

Book

This looks like an interesting read. Amazon lists a publishing date of November 30, 2004. This will probably be a very controversial book.

The Wire

Any Wire fans out there? It's getting juicy! I am wondering what's going to happen between Avon and Stringer...Will Avon choose family or business? Stringer let Avon know that he had Avon's nephew killed after Avon called him weak. Avon knows that Stringer had his nephew eliminated. Avon is fresh out of jail, anxious to get back in the swing of things. He can't understand why they aren't on the corners. Stringer, the business man, has taken the crew in another direction. You have politicians, detectives...cops legalizing the drug trade in "hamsterdam" -LOL... I guess I'll have to wait to see how things unfold because I don't know where things are going this season. Will Brianna become a revengeFULL mother and go full steam ahead towards whoever killed her baby boy? Hmmm, Questions, Questions...

Random Thoughts

The week has flown by again. Tomorrow is Thursday. Next week is Thanksgiving. I am looking forward to the time off from work. Things have been rolling on the work from. I am growing accustomed to juggling my work schedule again. Being where ever I need to be to get the work done. I truly enjoy the flexibility to move about throughout my day and not having to be confined to one location. I love that! I also love the time off that is built in to my contract.

I haven't written any poetry lately. I haven't stopped long enough to write. At work, I have been trying really hard to be present when I am there. It makes the time go faster. I get the most out of my day when I focus on being present in the here and now. It's so easy to day dream and to wish we were at places other than where we are. At least it is for me. I am focusing my energies on creating the experience I want, not focusing on what I don't want. I want to affirm that which I want to give life to.

We have a few more days of high fifties and sixty degree weather coming this week. HopeFully the forecasters are correct. I enjoy the Sun and warm weather. The seasons do remind me of cycles, changes, and rhythm...movement.

The weather is still very beautyFULL around here. I saw a tree with blossoms on it as I drove today. "The Sun is Shining. The weather is sweet. Make you wanna move your dancing feet. To the rescue...Here I am."- "Sun is Shining" by Brother Bob Marley

A few co-workers and I talked about contact with deceased relatives. The little ways that they remind us that they are still near. Like their name showing up on the cell phone after a beep. Grandchildren they have never met being drawn to things that the departed one loved or held dear. Life is continuous...cycles...revolutions

Disappointed

I am thoroughly disappointed by what is considered entertainment today. The Vibe Awards are on television. I'm not saying that people aren't talent, but isn't art supposed to uplift and make people feel good. It seems to be a lot of booty shaking women and men trying to show how hard they are. I heard and read that a fight broke out during the taping that will be edited out. They can cut the tape, but the energy remains in that place. I am tempted to watch it just to see what they try to do to convince the cameras that they were impacted by the violence that broke out in that space.

It makes me wanna pray hard...each individual must be response-able for his/her actions. Some want to stay on a very base, savage, barbaric level. Will the norm every be to promote a healthFULL life?

I expect more from people. I know I'm about to qoute John Kerry, but I know we can do better.

Productivity

Today was a very productive day. I interviewed a parent, attended four meetings, sent out some emails and managed to get home by 5:30 in DC metro area traffic. I felt quite satisfied while busy. I notice that I feel my discontent more when I have idle time. I think there is a saying/proverb that says, "An idle mind is a devil's workshop." Think...I don't Think I just made that up. i know I heard that some where.

I wish that more was done with proverbs on a day to day basis. There is so much wisdom contained in them. Like this one... "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the nation and it's destiny". Many believe that the first part (The Hand that Rocks the Cradle) is only the title of a Hollywood thriller. But it was sampled...taken from a South African proverb. It speaks of foundations that one builds on, values instilled in our children, loved ones, expectations...how we live up to them. The desire to fullfill the desire of the community, our group...That leads me to social pressure, expectations for loved ones. Do we have the power to influence others, loved ones in particular? My answer...Yes! We should expect people to be the best that they can. We must challenge each other and share our disapproval with their actions without rejecting them. Sometimes when someones actions are so far out there, or against what we stand for as individuals or groups we must put some distance there to send the clear message that a certain behavior is unacceptable.

We reward with our attention. Love and acceptance are motivators. I'll stop there with that thought.

how, oh how did I get from productivity to there? Just letting the thoughts flow I guess...

Proverbs...I'll post some more some time soon.

Good Morning, Good Day

Hello peaceFULL people of the earth! Sorry I didn't touch down for a few days. I had a wonderFULL weekend with a sweet, sweet soul. I saw two movies...I Heart Huckabees aand Ray as in Ray Charles. I enjoyed both of them very much.

I bought a new book. I love buying new books. It's the latest by Deepak Chopra titled the Book of Secrets. I haven't started it yet but I can't wait to dive in. I finished another scarf. Well, I finished the crocheting. I am thinking of adding something else to it...not sure what yet. Something to accent it.


I had good food and good company. The weekend flew by. It seems to do that when U are having fun.

This morning I drove to work behind a pick-up truck. The rear view mirror of the truck had a confederate flag dangling from it. After driving several miles behind it, I moved to another lane to turn at the intersection. Two of many Stickers in the back window read BUSH CHENEY and something about the Army. I proceeded through the traffic light and silently asked for God's protection.

Have a good Day All!

jamie foxx...

in Ray...WOW! The movie was the most moving piece I've seen in years. The whole cast-Excellent! WOW! That's all I can say right now.

Happy Saturday

Let us see what unfolds with this day. We expect goods things, positive feelings....It's going to be cold today. I think 48 degrees is the high. Maybe it's a movie day. I need exercise though. I gotta move. Maybe we will get more pictures...hmmm, let us see! Enjoy!

Friday

What a wonderFULL day...Friday? I wish I looked forward to every day as I do Fridays. When will I love the job I go to each day?

(Sigh...)

The News

For many years it has been very difficult to watch the news. In fact, I stopped a while ago. I was sickened by it after the United States invaded Iraq. When I saw that they had journalists/the media embedded with troops. On every channel you saw a sanitized, watered down version of War. In a sense it sensitized us. Now, many watch the feeds from Iraq like Monday night football. For others, it incites and stirs anxiety. I am exhausted seeing so much pain, death and destruction. Hearing of kidnappings and be-headings. We never see family terrorized by the United States weapons of mass destruction. We only see the U.S. kicking the ass of the evil doers...hmmm. Just for the record. I have not bought the labels that some have tried to sell to me. I continue to think, critique, judge for myself. I don't have all the information. The little we receive is what has been allowed to be known. Yes, some stuff leaks out. Get's past those that are the gatekeepers of information, spin doctors for the military.

If I had to watch television, I'd rather watch cartoons. Or movies, that I choose. But I prefer to not watch television. I remember when that is all I used to do...it sucked the life force from me because I was not thinking, I was not doing, and most importantly, I wasn't being.

The news is propaganda. Serves those who want us to serve them, the money, the corporation(s) behind the news. Why do you think Tavis was fired from BET? He thinks for himself. Follows the beat of his own drum. A radio/television activitist with the power to influence and move people to action. Joe Madision calls himself a radio-active-ist...Tavis is one too.

Anyway, watch what you take in...If you've been noticing that you've been feeling sad, depressed, and anxious after watching the news, all your systems are a go. You are online. That's an appropriate response/re-action to what you are bombarded with when watching the news.

Watch what goes in, cultivate the mind. Say NO to what you don't want because whether you know it or not you say yes to whatever U allow in. Protect and nurture the mind, body and spirit. Consider it an option if U want...I can't afford to give up my mind again. I paid a hell of a ransom to get it back. I'm still re-collecting pieces of my mind. I'll safeguard it.

In the words of George Clinton/P-Funk, THINK! IT'S NOT AGAINST THE LAW YET. THINK! iT'S NOT AGAINST THE LAW YET. Hold up, hold up...That was in the 70's...Is it against the law to think? I'm not sure in this day and time.

Yasser Arafat

I want to send up a prayer for Yasser Arafat and the people of Palestine. I have been feeling some degree of sadness since I heard that he was going to France for medical treatment. Many people of the world hate him for their reasons. I send him love. I send love to the people of Palestine. I wish peace for them. I pray that God, the universal life force, provides aid to his spirit in this transition. I pray that God, the universal life force, comfort the people of Palestine. This is a difficult moment in a long string of difficult moments for them.

Bush does not see himself as a terrorist, although the people of Iraq may see him precisely in that way. The people of Palestine should be given the respect of viewing him as they see fit. Let them write their own history, as Mr. Bush writes his, spin and all.

I pray that his services are dignified, and people respect his place in the hearts of those he led.

Frustration Tolerance...low

I need to breathe...deep. My tolerance for @%#$&* is low. I mean really low. I need clearing and cleansing in more ways than one right now. I'm not objective. That whole concept is an illusion any way...objectivity. Everything goes through our filter. It is seen through our lens. Light passes through a prism and is broken down into various colors of the spectrum. We take in stimuli and we process it, break down, break it up into pieces that have meaning to us. Sometimes it's in sync with others around us. Other times we view it from our own, unique perspective. We are the only ones to see it that way, our way.

I don't know why this lady "rubs me the wrong way". I don't know why it's so easy for her to take me out of my element, my center. When around her I want to react. That's not good. I try really hard to choose my reaction, since everything is choice. Sometimes I delay the fury that is beneath from coming to the surface. I get the feeling that Something IS coming to the surface that I need to pay attention to and resolve. I guess I'll stay tuned to see what it is.

Other people's trauma and drama lets u know how blessed U are to NOT be in their situation. I am thankFULL to be so blessed.

Some one held a mirror up to me today. Not a real one. They presented a situation that allowed me to see my actions for what they were...selfish. We have selfish moments. I have "acted out" before. It's hard to see things in the midst of it. Isn't it miraculous how we can see really, really good after we are out of a situation. When we aren't up close and personal with it.

I need to release my frustrations. It's only going to build and brew. Anger is a healthy e-motion if it is looked upon as a symptom, a sign that points us in the direction of understanding where we are and helps us get where we need to be healthily (sp?). It's an energy that needs to be dealt with and channeled properly. We should learn what we can learn from our situations, and find a way to really let them go, only retaining the lesson. But so often we sit with, hold and nurse the negative part of it and never let it go.

I think I am angry, but not fully acknowledging it. Let me crochet and try to process it tactilely. To qoute Marvin..."make me wanna holler and throw up both my hands".

inhale...exhale...breathe

The Matrix

The Matrix...Bg has to choose...the red or the blue pill...which did neo pick? Do I really want those plugs in the back of my head? Decisions, decisions...

Freedom

It's hard to sit by and watch a person do what U feel isn't in their best interest. I have so much respect for parents who stand by, step back and allow their children to learn life's lessons the hard way. So, many attempts are made to steer them in the "right" direction. Everyone can learn from parents...a parent's love for their child.

As a friend, how do you support a person during a time of need but not try to influence them to do what u think is best for them? Everyone has free will. Everyone must learn life lessons. Some learn the easy way, some learn the hard way. We all need to learn from our experiences.

I guess space is needed, the step back to gain perspective. How do u balance showing a person you care, but not condoning their behavior when it proves detrimental to their wellbeing? I usually reframe things in a way that makes it easier. I liken the thing they are doing to a drug addiction. I care about you, but I won't stand around and overlook the fact that you are harming yourself.

In the past I cut people off when I couldn't get with what they were doing to themselves. Some say that's harsh

Something Just doesn't feel right

I get this feeling that something went down on the land that my Tuesday school resides. I have had three schools in this area of Centreville, Virginia. The assignment I have this year is VERY easy. There are no problems at the school. I have every resource I need to do my job. But there is something about this area of Virginia that weighs heavy on me. It doesn't feel good...it doesn't feel right. For some reason I feel bad when I am there. Not physically, but emotionally. If I keep moving I am fine because I don't think about it. But each year I have had a school out there since fall 2002. It gets worse, this feeling gets worse. Yesterday I remembered that I, this school resides in the area of battle grounds from the civil war. Bull Run is near, around the corner, and I just found a website about the Sully Plantation... My school my school is on a road named for that plantation. I know that I am sensitive to energies of people, places, etc. There is something to this. I am not lying...I feel oppressed at the school. That's the word that characterizes the energy, the weight I feel while there. Another piece to this is that the handFULL of African Americans that work closely with me, we don't get along. There is no reason for that. I am wondering if on some level we are reacting to the energy that rests in the land. I will continue to research this location.

I will need to perform a ritual, maybe libation/prayer, etc. to neutralize the effects the location has on me. If anyone has any info via research, please let me know what u come up with.





Slave quarters at Sully Plantation...a mile or two from my school.

Thoughts

Today is kinda overcast, at least where I am on the map. Maybe I'll drive my car and have a meet and greet with sunshine. Can I travel beyond the clouds and bask in the Sun's rays? Maybe if I spend time in silence I could reach that place within... But for now I type away at this report...Nope, My back ain't up against the wall. I am actually early getting this one done. It's nice to cross things off the list and move on to the next thing. Hey Sister "Keeping it moving!" And My Goal Buddy that keeps me on track, feeling inspired and purposeFULL.


Productivity...it's hard to be productive when there isn't an incentive that we appreciate. Yeah, we like our checks and we do the work to pay the bills. Oh how I long for the day when my passion can become the work that pays the bills. For now it feeds my soul and that's payment enough. I feel happier because I am manifesting creativity in my life. I write when I feel moved. I am meeting people that bring a spark of joy, a smile and laughter to my days and nights. I am recognizing that what I am putting in, I am getting out of life and relationships. There is a dynamic exchange of energy always at work in the universe.

I want to raise up everyone who is suffering from loss of any kind today. I pray that the ache, the thirst, the yearn for something more is quenched, settled, or taken care of. Denying loss doesn't do anything but prolong healing and in the process we run the risk of creating something bigger in our lives that will demand our attention such as a major health issue. Let's deal with our e-motions...anger, rage, jealously, numbness. It's okay to have a good cry, release that stuff inside.

And finally, seek advice from those who are doing what it is you want to do or emulate.

Don't ask a cat for tips on how to be a successfull dog.

have a blessed day all! ;)

Stay Tuned

"I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it," the president said.

Some photos from my today

Eastern Market in Black and White

and another...

and another...U may not believe me but I did that on purpose. That's why I was out taking photos at night of car lights.

My funky new bracelet I found in a little shop on 8th street, not sure if it's northeast or southeast but it's near the marine barracks. I just love it!

How many faces...?

and another view

another view

Original Artwork

Another BG original done some time ago...I promise...while my skills have regressed a bit I haven't lost them all. lol Can U guess who that is on the top and bottom? Click image for larger pic.

Question

Why do we often deny that feelings exist in an effort to not be disappointed? Does our lack of acknowledgement make the feeling/need/want/desire disappear? I don't think so. We expect disappointment so often that we go through great lengths to not be in a position of needing something from another. It's hard to manage needs. It's hard to negotiate what we want and feel we need with what another is able and willing to give. Ultimately we are responsible for our own happiness and joy. But no man or wo(man) is an island. We need others to know ourselves and to be FULLy actualized. Disappointment comes when our expectations aren't met. I don't know if it is possible to live without expectation, although we often try. But we must keep our expectations in check. We make agreements with ourselves and others everyday. Most times these agreements go undiscussed. They aren't talked about or mentioned. It's okay to have the conversations with others. To share what our needs are, what our expectations are. In fact it's best to get them checked out instead of assuming that the person is or isn't capable of being there for us a certain way. I guess it all boils down to risking rejecting. I once read that the only person who can reject you is you. I reject me first in thought. Everything is choice. Although we don't always like our options, choice is our first and only freedom. Free will is our gift from the creator. Let's not choose to reject and deny vital parts of ourselves because we are afraid.

People come to us for a reason. They may be the answer to your prayer from long ago. We connect and reconnect with others all the time. That familiarity you have with that person may be the clue to let you know there is something I am supposed to be getting from this person. We have unfinished business maybe from another space and time. We are, they are here in your space and sphere. Share yourself with them. Take a risk with yourself and them. No one is talking marriage...just saying be open to shedding layers of yourself to strengthen bonds and connections. As we share we encourage others to share. If we hold our cards tight, we send the message that we aren't available. We all want deeper connections. We all want to bask in the light and energy of love. Yes, I feel loved by my female as well as male friends. Our connections don't have to be sexualized. We often make the mistake of thinking that love should be reserved for committed, monogamous relationships with another.

We can love our friends and it not be sexual. That person can inspire us to be more FULLy human, more in touch with spirit...more alive without sex. Sexual union has the potential to be divine...so, it is not out of the ordinary to develop feelings for one who assists, in one way or another, us in becoming more alive...feeling beings again.

Take the risk. Risk disappointment, risk rejection...LIVE. Share with others...take risks. I will even if U won't...we gotta start somewhere.

Happy Saturday! Smile...it changes the vibrations around you.

Processes

Mother and Father energy and essence
came together to provide the portal
through which she would come...
A destiny predestined, she found her willing
but oblivious hosts
Her soul's answer, lessons, camp, training
would be with J and T, mother and father
Their lust, love and chaos created the fertile ground
for new but old life to spring forth and be resurrected again
Their strife forces this new life within
Coding revealed...she remembers and continues the process
to heal
The sins of the father burdened on her shoulders
she sees victims and victimizers and chooses her place between
Surrendering to the pain
Her emotional house decides that no one else
can live within her
no more feeling unless it's laced in plea...sure, pleasure
she gives up and becomes numb, a new resident
pleasure is no longer recognized
anger and hurt morphed in to fear
they, numb and fear, form a relationship
they cohabitat and make new life forms...creations, illusions
The soul still residing in upper levels throughout the dome, mind
Was always assured, soul never panicked...
Things were right on course, moving according to plan
She began to sense soul within her
Feeling that she could no longer ignore
souls ways and means
she sat with soul
and realized that another inhabited her space
besides numb & the morphed twins, anger and hurt that had become fear
Soul began to place at her feet gifts each time they would meet
One day soul brought light
Another day a bone with the first mother's dna
Soul brought seeds, air and water
more water than she could receive
the gifts kept coming
and one day she asked, 'why, why have U bestowed all these gifts upon me?'
Soul replied, "I am returning what is yours.
Fear and numb blurred your vision, dulled your senses
I bring to your feet what U already have here...just some of what is
yours. I have been upstairs yet to my quarters, dome/mind."
As she received her gifts feeling began to revisit her again.
She speaks to her pain...she actually realized she was a healer...
that message came from the bones, memory.
She heals herself...process
She feels now...access
She feels
She is alive...redress
and although she hurts
her feeling puts her back in touch with soul, who carries memory
on her back
she struggles at times with those in her house
but these are her processes of being a self in relationship with
feeling and soul, mothers and movers
she continues her journey

© 2004 Blackgold347

Prayers and Thanksgiving

This one is titled...Prayer and Thanks Giving

Distraction

She looked every where
Hi and Lo
and without
every where but with-in
She noticed every detail of every other life
but never knew FULLY the mysterious
turnings, the revolutions within
While it was her inclination
to desire a better life
life had more in store
than theory and strife
Situations and occurrences came
that introduced her to her self
not the image or likeness
but the true essence
that was begging for recognition
the essence of BEing
in-spiration, in- spiral...helix, coding, dna, memory...
her distractions...doing, viewing, saying
all the actioning that she could involve and envelope
around herself she indulged
her readings
her sayings
her doings...
distractions
it supported the what was not happenings
on the inside.
she didn't want to deal with
the indecisions,
the lack of commitments
avoiding nudgings to go within
Every corner of her life
has revealed that she is,
that she can
that she will
but her thoughts have distracted her
her people and her aloneness
has left her feeling less than FULL
She wants to be a mommy
but distrusts the man she has once asked to bring her child
She wants to be and do great things
but her mood down shifts
to first going down slope
cruise control no longer allows her to speed
and she feels weighted as she waits
for something to happen
forgot that her movement
her imprint and vibration
has to accelerate
not yet to warp speed
but standing still, no longer vibrating is lifelessness
as she declines in to her own abyss
she realizes that her higher self has shown her
many versions of her self
she can choose her path
walk many at once as life sometimes demands
but she understands now which ever she chooses
she has to BE consciousness her presence is required
otherwise it is another distraction
she'll only collect stories of herself
impressions of her self, re-collections of witnesses
who caught sightings of her
She wants to be rooted
she needs to be grounded and tethered
to her mother, Earth where energy collects and spirals
not to be held down but a representative
on the middle plane between fire, matter and ether
when she settles her mind and connects with her divine kind
she will lose her distraction
she will float again
dance again
laugh again
she smiles
and it's genuine
until fear loosed ran amok
joining with like within her
She wants to stand outside herself
and see the inner workings of her
but that luxury cannot be afforded
she is resident inn-keeper
she can summon others to her aid
and the divine architect brought
her others that reflected her in all shapes, sizes and shades
he distracted her until she saw herself

© 2004 Blackgold347

Rain

The clouds are FULL and releasing their essence upon us. The dynamic exchange that takes place to keep balance is amazing. Processes, internal and external...everything influences and is influenced. Everything impacts and and is impacted.

Just thoughts thought when I thought about the rain I see and hear outside.

Smile, it's a Beauty-FULL day :)

Black Ribbon... Campaign for Democracy

My original thought was to wear all black symbolic of mourning and grief...disappointment. But I can't afford to buy all black clothes right now (lol). Not in the budget! It would be my form of protest against Bush Administration policy, doctrine and tactics as well as to acknowledge the fact that I wanted our country to go in another direction. That didn't happen. That leaves me severely disappointed.

The Bush Administrations practice and politics is "you are either for
us, with us or against us". I do not agree with the current
administrations practices or policies. But I am still an American.
Being critical is not un-American, or Un-Democratic. you correct that
which you love and believe in. I agree with Kerry- American can do
BETTER.

The Black Ribbon symbolizes 1) my state of mourning and grief, 2) to
let the world know, including potential "so-called non-American
terrorists, that I didn't vote for Bush and I disagree with the way he
does business and how he represents OUR country. Their anger should
be directed at those responsible. But as Americans, we represent one
group of people- Americans. 3) Democracy is Allowed. Discourse is
allowed. Again, it is not un-American to expect and require that
America does BETTER. My voice and my vote counts.

I don't wanna dis-engage from the political process because Kerry did
not win the election. This is the time to be more involved and hold
our elected and selected representatives accountable for their
actions.

My voice matters...That's why I will be wearing my Black Ribbon.

Black Ribbon Campaign...Silent Protest

We are starting a silent protest to show the world that all Americans do not support Bush policies and administration. We were not successFULL getting another candidate in office, but we don't have to stop pushing an agenda that reflects the other half of America. Stay Tuned. More info to come...

A Day, Week, Month...Of Mourning

I thought of titling this 'What if Bush is re-elected?' But I remembered that he was never elected. He was selected. But the title is not what my thoughts are about.

If Bush wins I seriously feel like I'm going to need a period of time to mourn. I've never been so in to politics and I've never been so disillusioned about American, the politics really do make me wanna holla...scream until my throat is numb, sore, raw...

Does our vote count? Is it all a big game? A few that rule? They say it's a democracy...

Life will go on...It has to, it always does. Life went on after the last election. Many people aren't here today because of choices made by people who were both selected and elected. We are no longer respected as a nation. Our so-called enemies have been given more reason to hate and harm. I guess I'll have to strive to be in the world but not of it. They say the real war is a spiritual war...I need to pray and vote, and pray some more long after I vote. Reconnect with and understand divine will. All this has purpose. Faith without works is dead...merge belief, intent and action.

God please let John Kerry be elected president. I know faith without works is dead...But people really are turning out to vote this time. We want a change. Some don't, but many do. Please...

Let our voices, votes and prayers be heard.

How was Your Voting Experience Today?

I stood in line for about 35-45 minutes. I chose not to vote on the electronic machine because there is no paper trail. I am very distrustFULL at this point. If things are challenged, I want them to be able to count something tangible. Folks seemed pretty enthusiastic about voting. There were people of many different cultures/ethnicities there. There was a legal person/attorney outside the precinct between representatives from the Democratic and Republican parties. I was like 'Wow, this is serious!" I am glad though. We cannot afford to have what happened in 2000 happen again. We need a President who is elected, not selected.

I have never witnessed a turnout like this. I am very happy about it though. many have struggled and died for the right to vote. It is criminal not to exercise it. We must see ourselves as a part of this system. We have to do our best to make it a democracy. If we abdicate our responsibility to others, we can't complain. And as I write this, I am speaking to other areas of my life, my personal life. We have to make choices that reflect and are consistent with what we say we want in life.

Should election Day be a holiday? Should employers offer Election Day leave for those employees who show proof that they voted? Many try to ensure that they or their candidate wins by blocking the votes of their opponents. Do we not want a candidate who has truly been elected? Voting should be like paying taxes...mandatory by law.

Voter apathy is hopefully a thing of the past. i realize I could have done more. I should have made sure that my grandmother, who lives two hours away, was registered to vote and actually went out to vote. She is 91. She stills goes out shopping, so she should vote. Maybe she does vote already. I'm just not sure. I need to check that out. Go Vote! If U did, record your impressions/experience here or somewhere.

Influence...Use your Power for GOOD!

Vote or Die...Wow! The power of Hip Hop, the power of celebrity, the power of U. Influence...It's now glamorous, cool, hip to vote. I am proud of many, many folks including celebrities who recognized their power of influence and used it to EM-POWER masses of people to exercise their right to vote. Click image to see larger pic of celebrities in Vote or Die posters.

Let's start a reading campaign to get young and old people to read! Let's keep this thing going. Let's make education, high academic achievement glamorous, cool and hip! We have the power to do it!

Pic taken in Adams Morgan area of DC.

Fear...

Fear will remain until U confront it... Do the thing U are afraid to do. I have avoided making important choices because I am afraid. I have tried to dress it up with different clothes, change it's name as well as the lens through which I see the situation. I am afraid to make a decision and follow a course of action that I need to take. I keep hoping that things will change. But I have been unwilling to change. I hoped that others would change and take away my need to make a decision. I have attempted to remain passive, remain a by-stander as life passes, as time passes.

How will I know which decision is right for me? My body has been attempting to tell me. I've passed it off as illness. It is illness, but the illness is a symptom of something else. I am not confronting that thing that I fear.

I call in the Most High God...I summons the Christ Consciousness that resides inside. Help the me that doesn't believe, the me that is waning in faith, the me that is afraid...Help me see/feel/know the truth about me that I have avoiding seeing. Help me to do what I need to do to heal mind, body and spirit. Help me push aside erroneous thoughts and self-talk so I can know the truth. I need to be set free.

Local DC Artist

Quest Skinner www.questskinner.com Her artwork can be seen and purchased at Eastern Market on Saturday and Sunday's. This sister will even paint a picture for you on the spot!

Another Beauty-FULL Day

Today was lovely. I woke up pretty early this morning and felt the need to organize, reduce clutter so that I could begin the day with a fresh state of mind. I changed the sheets on the bed, pillow case. Folded the mound of clothes that covered 2/3's of the bed. Returned some books that were on the floor near the bed to the book shelf in the meditation room.

I had breakfast this morning...good ole' cream of wheat cereal (lol) and green tea. I attempted to watch television but my cable was O.U.T. out! The DVR still worked so I watched Floetry's performance as well as Gerald Levert and Marsha of Floetry duet on BET's Walk of Fame tribute to Smokey Robinson. I got goose bumps watching them again...especially Gerald and Marsha's duet.

I also watched Starting Over, a reality television with Iyanla Vanzant and Rhonda ______ , who are life coaches on the show. I love this show. I watched it and shed a few tears...I know, I know but this show is really touching. you watch people struggle to make sense of their lives...pushing themselves to grow through challenges and reach their potential with assistance from others including their housemates. It's good TV yall. Very touching...NBC. Check your local listings for show time in your area. In DC area it's 12noon on nbc4.

I went to Eastern Market again today. I did something that I always wanted to do...I captured the world through my eyes with my camara. Along with being a writer, I have dreamed of being a photographer. Nothing fancy... just allowing others to see through my eyes. Capturing touching moments, experimenting with the camara. I'll post some pics when I'm not too tired.

I saw again a local artist who paints "Spectacular!" pictures...vibrant colors. Feely pieces. Funky pieces. I will post her pic with contact information, website, etc. For now though, in case I have peeked your curiosity check her out at www.questskinner.com .

Me going to bed now...I'll get some pics up. Until then Peace!