Restless Spirit
I have felt very unsettled the last couple of days. I'm not really sure why. I can tell instantly when I am off kilter...when balance isn't here. What can it be? Is it a message, a reminder to be still why I am not sure what to do or what's going on? This morning I was so restless I got up before the Sun rose and started exercising. I've felt so stagnate physically. I had to move, move, move. It was warm this morning. I had on a sweatshirt and sweatpants. No coat or jacket and I was just fine. The Sun rose over the river creating a yellow glassy stream of light across the water. It was bright. I was tempted to look directly in the eyes of Ra but was frightened I would be blinded physically. Spiritually I am blind today. My brain is working overtime to figure this one out. But I realize I must open my heart...listen, hear, speak it's language to understand the messages. I must stop judging these quiet, silent spaces. I am resisting being where I am. I am judging it negatively.
Life has changed so much over the past year. I actually feel happier and more at peace within. My numbness has lifted. I have experienced more emotion than I sometimes feel I can bare. I am so thankfull for feeling. All feelings. I have often resisted expressing so-called negative emotions. I've always wanted to choose what I will feel because we have the power to do so. I am learning to find balance between choosing emotion and reactions, and emotional honesty. Denial and avoidance do not bring about change. Nor do they provide us with the opportunity to practice. We must experience certain things so that we can learn from the process. How do we get from point A to point B? We do not will our way to Wisdom and enlightenment. We learn, study and practice. Some gifts are bestowed upon us by the ALL, but mastery comes from practice. Nothing worth having comes easy. My so-called negative emotions have played a vital role in my growth. Sadness brings with her messages. So do joy and pain. In my greatest hours of darkness and despair, I met God. No one wants to feel pain. But when it comes, it comes with gifts. If we hash things out, we realize gifts that we never knew we could possess. What is the pain telling you? Is there a better way to this thing or that? Are we avoiding making decisions about our lives? We go through things... wrestle with our inner selves. That's how we grow through things. When we are passive and seek to avoid we go through as bystanders hoping and prayer to get off life's treadmill.
As I write I am realizing that emotional honesty and emotional expression are not choices for me. They are a must. I must speak my truth. It doesn't have to hurt anyone. At least that is not the intent. Before I sat to write, I felt as if I had nothing to say. But that isn't true. I always have something to say even if it is to myself. I often Censor myself because i don't want to offend anyone. It takes a lot to be honest. Not the type of honesty that tramples over anothers feelings for the sake of being hurtfull. Like you ugly or something like that. Some things are better left unside when you are faced with belittling another. It's unnecessary. I want to bring more beauty to the world.
Jim Carrey was on 60 minutes last Sunday and on Oprah yesterday. During both interviews he stated that he isn't acting anymore except in movies. He wasn't going to perform or be silly on demand. I understand that so well. It is habit to to say "Fine" when someone asks "How are you?" Why is "Fine" expected and accepted by us when it isn't our truth? Sometimes we are near others who can tell...something isn't right her. I am usually that person who can tell when isn't "A-okay!" My daily bread must be honesty...emotionally honest with myself.
Honestly, Today, I believe that I am sad because I miss a friend who brings great comfort to me. I am spoiled. I admit it. I have been since I was very young. It's something I am growing through right now. I feel my spirit settling now.
Now I know...restless spirit means I am not speaking from my heart honestly. It means I am not speaking fearlessly/honestly. Honesty is love is the opposite of fear. Hmm! Let me let that marinate for a minute.
It is such the habit for me to be silent/quiet. Silence is fine but not at the cost of honesty expression of self. Speak up. Speak out. Sometimes silence kills.
Life has changed so much over the past year. I actually feel happier and more at peace within. My numbness has lifted. I have experienced more emotion than I sometimes feel I can bare. I am so thankfull for feeling. All feelings. I have often resisted expressing so-called negative emotions. I've always wanted to choose what I will feel because we have the power to do so. I am learning to find balance between choosing emotion and reactions, and emotional honesty. Denial and avoidance do not bring about change. Nor do they provide us with the opportunity to practice. We must experience certain things so that we can learn from the process. How do we get from point A to point B? We do not will our way to Wisdom and enlightenment. We learn, study and practice. Some gifts are bestowed upon us by the ALL, but mastery comes from practice. Nothing worth having comes easy. My so-called negative emotions have played a vital role in my growth. Sadness brings with her messages. So do joy and pain. In my greatest hours of darkness and despair, I met God. No one wants to feel pain. But when it comes, it comes with gifts. If we hash things out, we realize gifts that we never knew we could possess. What is the pain telling you? Is there a better way to this thing or that? Are we avoiding making decisions about our lives? We go through things... wrestle with our inner selves. That's how we grow through things. When we are passive and seek to avoid we go through as bystanders hoping and prayer to get off life's treadmill.
As I write I am realizing that emotional honesty and emotional expression are not choices for me. They are a must. I must speak my truth. It doesn't have to hurt anyone. At least that is not the intent. Before I sat to write, I felt as if I had nothing to say. But that isn't true. I always have something to say even if it is to myself. I often Censor myself because i don't want to offend anyone. It takes a lot to be honest. Not the type of honesty that tramples over anothers feelings for the sake of being hurtfull. Like you ugly or something like that. Some things are better left unside when you are faced with belittling another. It's unnecessary. I want to bring more beauty to the world.
Jim Carrey was on 60 minutes last Sunday and on Oprah yesterday. During both interviews he stated that he isn't acting anymore except in movies. He wasn't going to perform or be silly on demand. I understand that so well. It is habit to to say "Fine" when someone asks "How are you?" Why is "Fine" expected and accepted by us when it isn't our truth? Sometimes we are near others who can tell...something isn't right her. I am usually that person who can tell when isn't "A-okay!" My daily bread must be honesty...emotionally honest with myself.
Honestly, Today, I believe that I am sad because I miss a friend who brings great comfort to me. I am spoiled. I admit it. I have been since I was very young. It's something I am growing through right now. I feel my spirit settling now.
Now I know...restless spirit means I am not speaking from my heart honestly. It means I am not speaking fearlessly/honestly. Honesty is love is the opposite of fear. Hmm! Let me let that marinate for a minute.
It is such the habit for me to be silent/quiet. Silence is fine but not at the cost of honesty expression of self. Speak up. Speak out. Sometimes silence kills.
posted by Blackgold at 4:19 PM
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