Healing Energy

Let it Flow, Let it Flow...

Unloosing Myself

He's not happy with me.
I don't meet his needs,
but still he stays.
Hoping to make me pay...
or is it understand his point, his pain
A sympathetic ear is what he needs
As I move closer
he pushes me away
The moods change with the day
I don't meet his needs
He's not happy with me
But still he stays
hoping to make me pay...
Why not charge me a fine,
or sentence me to hard labor in a coal mine?
It has to be better than a hell that lingers
past all time...
Is forgiveness an option?
Is it a choice that can be made?
If it is you do not trust me,
protect yourself and leave.
If it is love that you want and feel,
why not wipe your slate of grievances clean
Let me pay my fine
do my time
nothing weighs more
nothing costs more
than than your request
that i surrender my soul
lay it down on a table of sacrificial wills
I can't pay no more
My coffer is bare
so, tell me my fine
hand down my sentence
I want to start serving my time
because the convenience charge
that is levied on me when U
aren't happy...
I just can't continue to pay

© 2004 Blackgold347

Negative

Why you gotta be so negative? If I didn't have a strong sense of self, I'd be in trouble talking to you. You say very little to show respect...U have two modes love or hateration! You play with words..."Um just joking, why you so sensitive, can't take a joke..." Nah, I can't if it's you putting me down. Yeah, yeah, I know U are joking but if my ears only hear negative and I gotta slam U up against a wall for you to say I'm joking when I check to see if U serious.... and I rarely hear the positive from U, then what am I to think...

My subscious mind, the mind-field, plants/grows the seeds(words) that are planted (those things heard repeatedly). Lately, I'm paying the gardener overtime to guard the gate and tend the field of dreams against U. I have scarecrows scattered throughout trying to keep the negativity out. But you still creep in...Maybe that bag of seeds I scattered was mislabeled....

If I Rarely hear that which uplifts from your lips, why won't I think U bring me down, or help me feel mediocre? I'm not in to torture. I pick the loops and patterns I repeat. This path is worn, hard like cement...your heart. I'd rather walk in plush green grasses (alive, a live, a life -growing). I got enough fertilizer, I don't need your $hit too.

The jury is out, or are they in...U are negative. And I'm tired of hearing it, feeling it. What happened to what momma used to say, "If you don't have nothing good/positive to say, don't say nothing at all." Or, did I just make that up or spin off/add to the last memory I had of a similar statement? Anyway, U get the point.

(sigh)...ok, Just processing and releasing a reaction to someone that showed up in my space with some crap.

Space

How much space is there between how others see you and how you see yourself? I know I asked in terms of space...Not sure why, but decided to stick with what came first to mind.

What are we hiding? What are we protecting? What have I tried to hide and protect? I'm not telling...(LOL-Laughing Out Loud)

Movement...

Things are moving. Life is moving continuously. I am understanding my needs. I understand that they change. I understand that they require attention and ACTION. It's one thing to know, but what good is information if you don't do anything with it.

This week I have realized that it is in my best interest emotionally to relax my expectations a bit.

I have rediscovered that being with people, interacting with people makes me happy. It is a need.

I can be assertive and ask for what I want and need from others as well as tell them what I don't want from them.

Life is about movement. It's about growth. The stagnant feeling showed up as a reminder that I need to move, be active (or more active) in some area of my life. There are times in life that I find my self behaving very passively. Not saying what I want... Just kind of letting things happen. While I do not behave as a victim of circumstance I am left with the feeling of being unFULLfilled largely due to the lack of movement, lack of action.

A friend as well as a new "click" buddy reminded me that faith without works is dead. They didn't use those, but they reminded me of the plan, the goals and the "TO DO LIST" that needs to exist. It's great to have ideas. It's great to think about what it is we want to do...to toss it around in our heads. But we want to be about the business of making ideas and dreams real...reality, tangible, actualized, manifested.

My soul won't rest until I have a book authored by me in my hands. I have always aspired to be a writer. I am that...I write. Tomorrow I have to purchase an ink cartridge so that I can print out a draft of my poetry to be edited. This is exciting. It's going to happen.

Sometimes doubt kicks in...Can I do it? Will it be good? Blah-Blah-Blah
I am excited because it's going to happen. I am moving. My e-motion of stagnancy and nudgings and reminders from others placed in my sphere have moved me to action.

I am ThankFULL to the Universe and my higher self for giving me what I need. I am ThankFULL that my ego isn't too big to acknowledge and receive help, assistance, blessings.
Life is moving. It feels good!

More Original Artwork...

Sun Shine

Bright even behind clouds...
I feel you
Sense you
Know you
Receive your rays...
You are Sunshine
Like you
I am here to stay...
Your constant
My constant
My thoughts do revolutions
around you
My center
You are...
Heal me
You help me
Know me

Without your breath/energy/spirit

There is no me
The spark made in your image

Ahhhhh! God...Universal Life Force...Allah...JAh...Jehovah...
(silence.....) Yes, that there that I feel
Thank you for this space,
this time,
this light to reflect U,
The mostest of the most high God...
U are Sunshine

© 2004 Blackgold347

My Self-portrait :) LOL

Today...again

Today was a good day. I have no complaints. Only observations...

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

Balance

Have you ever met someone who always speaks as if everything is alright? Just perfect...They never let you see another side to them. They never let another see the uneasy side, the insecure side, the doubtFULL side...They seem and paint a picture that everything is perfect. That is usually a red flag for me...because nothing is always Great or perfect. Maybe perfect in it's imperfection but never perfect in the sense that chaos and confusion never visits them.

I think it's important that we trust others enough to be honest with them and ourselves. There is no arrival station, no destination. We are all in the process of becoming more than what we were yesterday. I am thankFULL that I have learned to trust others enough to show weakness, to show that I am not always a pillar of strength or faith. Sometimes I need others. I need guidance. I need compassion. I need help. I don't have all the answers. When we admit that we aren't perfect and that we need, we actually open the door for an answer to our silent and not so silent prayers.

The universe knows what we need and delivers. I am thankFULL for friends who've let me share my weaknesses with them. Friends who trust me with themselves as I am trusting them with me.

Stagnant

What is this feeling?
This feeling of stagnancy
This I wanna move but
nothing moves me
Where am I today?
This going to bed
and getting up to another
version of the same
is getting on my nerves
Am I trapped in my own Groundhogs Day?
It's all the same
'cept I have on different clothes
the location has changed and then it's the same...again
Damn!
New mind...it's time!
New Mind...Damn, It's Time.
I can change location
but if my mind remains the same
has anything changed?
Will I still see the same
feel the same
Be the same...
It's time for a change
Stagnant days
can't have their ways
with me no more
Be right back...
I need to baptize myself
Sprinkle waters on my head...
or, should I use holy oils from the trails
of the Camino?
Maybe if I go back in time
I can wade in the waters with
Yeshua and John
and have my mind healed...
re-new-ed

© 2004 Blackgold347

Crocheting

Crocheting is meditative for me. I learned a couple of years ago, but forgot until I tried again when I woke up early Friday morning. I noticed that my mind was very focused when I crocheted. I didn't think of anything except what I was doing. How often are we 50 places at once? How often are we out of the moment? Now is all we have...Crocheting helps me real-ize that...and I have a funky scarf to wear when I'm done. Yeah!!

Purpose and Work

Today went by pretty fast for someone that wasn't interested in going to work today. Ironically, I was am always interested in getting a pay check...go figure (lol). I am very fortunate to be able to ease in to my work week. Things aren't really too busy right now. So, I'm not actually running around like a chicken with my head cut off- yet.

Sometimes I get tired of where I work. I work in a predominately white environment. I get along well with everyone. It just feels lonely at times. Like there isn't really anyone to relate to. I feel much better when there is an energy exchange between and the folks I am around. I feel better when we have something in common. I have the best times at work in the summer when my friends and I spend time together at my central office. We play, we laugh, we share...

During the school year, it feels so sterile in the schools. I guess the work I do isn't FULLfilling or, should I say the setting. I need to get creative with the skills I have. My dilemma is I am tied to the money. Sad, but real and true. I get paid really well, but don't enjoy the work environment. A co-worker suggested that maybe I am taking the job too serious. maybe I am. He said just give them what they want...He makes big bucks to show up and do a little work. Could I be content with that? ...not sure if I can.

God, I need guidance. Where will I find happiness in a job, in my work? I know that this may not be the place. I feel like I am going through the motions. Should I expect more than that? I think I should.

I HAVE TO TELL YA...

I am seeing many more Kerry-Edwards signs and bumper stickers than I am the other guy. As I drive around conservative Virginia...I even saw the bumper of a co-worker who voted for Bush the last time. His sticker is a Kerry-Edwards sticker.

Me...I chose not to broadcast who I am voting for because some are taking this to another level. I saw many Bush signs that were spray painted near George Mason University and other republican candidates' signs that were ripped to shreds in the street and median.

A few weeks ago some folks were holding vigil because their Kerry-Edwards sign had been torned down repeatedly. A news station reported that someone had fired a shot through the window of a local Republican office.

I am going to stay optimistic about getting the other guy out of the White House. The polls are of likely voters, those that voted in 2000. There are so many more registered than there were in 2000, and more who will come out and vote who didn't vote the last election.

If he has done nothing else, Bush has motivated People to get him OUT of the White House!

It's time for work but I'm not really interested in going today...LOL
Have a Beauty-FULL, God Blessed DAY!!! Smile...It does the Spirit Good! BG

Science of Mind Magazine

On last Thursday, I went to Borders Bookstores while filling my time before presenting to parents a of preschool students a little later that evening. While there I was led to a monthly periodical unlike any I had read before. I don't remember seeing this mag before...I guess I found it or ot found me right on time. I was feeling that I needed to be fed with food for the spirit. I needed to get centered again. I sought and I found...

The magazine is Science of Mind. It has a monthly columns from folks such as Iyanla Vanzant and interviews. The October edition has an exclusive interview with one of my favorites, don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements. There is also a daily guide "Healing Meditations for each day of October".

I recommend it!

www.scienceofmind.com

The SunFlower

Symbolic of the Nature to Lean Toward the Most High God

"Do unto others..." or Personal Constitution?

Do U do unto others as they do unto U? Or, Do you have a personal constitution or Code of Conduct that U operate from? Sometimes people can treat us like shit...some are down right ABUSIVE in their speech, attitude and language towards others. Whether they are wronged or not, they retaliate against others...Sad that everything is a fight or confrontation but some actually perceive most interactions with others from a defensive posture/stance/view of life.

If I perceive that you have wronged me should I wrong you too? Should I attempt to hurt you they way I perceive that you hurt me? If we continue with a retaliatory posture would life, personal and global, would things ever change for the better.

I'm not talking about being a push over and allowing anyone to be disrespectFULL to anyone else. I am simply wondering if we think before we act and speak. And if we choose our responses to life situations and interactions with others.

We have all reacted to things. And most of us have a sense of how it is we want to be treated by others. Does our personal code of conduct reflect what we want? Do you have a personal code of conduct or Constitution? Ways of being that we operate from...

When negative cycles present themselves, Do we jump in and share our negativity? Or, are we the beacons of change, the cycle breakers, the bringers of positivity?

If Martin had not chosen the path of non-violence, what would have occurred during that time to forward the movement to civil rights. Out-numbered, out-gunned, and out-hated...If everyone for civil rights acted in an "eye for eye"- manner, would the movement have had the impact that it did. Many called Martin a punk...and say "I woulda..." Usually a remark about how they would have whooped somebodies a$$.
It's easy to react and fly off the handle. Curse someone because they curse you. Speak hateFULLy because they went there with you. But it requires a conscious man or woman to choose their reaction. To remember what there momma's, daddy's and grandparents taught them about respect. Yeah, I know many parents tell their kids "If they hit you, you hit them back". And many grow up in environments where self-defense is self preservation...

I'm just trying to say know when that's what's actually the case and not a default reaction of "Kill or be killed" that occurs without thinking even when we aren't in a situation that calls for that.

Someone being rude to you in line at the grocery store is not a combat situation...No need for the B-word doing somersaults out your mouth.

Someone expressing how they view the world...an opinion... is not a combat situation.

CHOOSE

MAKE A CHOICE

THINK...it's allowed!

WonderFULL Day

It was today
Didn't have all the time
I wanted to play
But I had a bounce in my step
my talk had a pep...
in it as it spiked and curled
words and truths danced from my lips
and again I was glad to be a-live
living a life
sharing a life
It was a wonderFULL day
and I am happy to have...
a life to live
because not living is my death...
and I promise me that I will laugh again real soon
This smile will be ever present like the Sun
I'm gonna go again
and have some fun

© 2004 Blackgold347

Shifts in Consciousness

Sometimes things happen that push us/move us to see ourselves, our lives, the world around us differently. Sometimes we have personal 'quakes' that occur in our lives that cause a shift in our thinking, our consciousness. Disruptions, eruptions, things that shake us up, physically and emotionally. The events of September 11, 2001 caused many in the world to experience a shift in consciousness. We felt vulnerable, exposed, angry, disillusioned, sadness and a host of other emotions. September 11 was a major, catastrophic event that impacted many on a grand scale. There are other events that impact us on are far more personal level. Periods of life...transitions. Growing pains.

I often experience shifts in consciousness. Things that cause adjustments to the way I perceive myself and the world around me. Sometimes this occurs after reading something and for some reason a light bulb appears and I get it like I didn't get the last time I read this or that. The "ah-ha" moment. Other times things happen...a shift occurs, something happens...I meet someone that touches me causing me to see me different than I saw me before. Someone knows something about me that I didn't think they knew. Something I spent a lot of time hiding and suddenly I am exposed...the shift occurs when I realize what I thought was a reality isn't real anymore. It isn't truth anymore...The feeling we have when we find out our lover was unfaithfull to us. It's the moment, minutes, hours, days, months and years between reconciling who/what we thought we were with who we are becoming...and finally realizing who we are until something else happens that causes us to question ourselves.

Reconciling, settling, getting okay with what we think and feel, what we thought we knew about ourselves...

When something happens and I don't know who I am anymore I listen to Prince to remind me of where I've been. To integrate the "me" I knew before the shift in thinking with the "me" I am discovering, the "me" that I am becoming... that I am from: new experience, opportunities to love, maturing, growing, exposure, asserting, living, and Being FULL of life/energy/Spirit.

The shifts are psychospiritual growth spurts that may seem like a curse but is actually a blessing from the universe.

Who...What's Feeding You?

Lately, I can't help thinking about the company I keep. I keep thinking about what and who is feeding me? Who's rubbing off on and influencing me?
There have been several times in life where I would say and feel that I was a "loner". You know the type that prefers to do things solo as if that's what brought joy and peace. Sometimes out of conflict with others I've thought 'see, that's why I like being by myself.' Well the reality, at least for me, is I am tired of doing things alone. Tired of being a "solo" soul. Yes, people get on my nerves. But I am finding that I have not been being my authentic self. I have been busy being an accommodator. Smiling when I don't feel like it. Speaking when I don't want to because it's the so-called right thing to do even when I don't feel like it. There is a woman that I work with from the south...Atlanta, GA to be exact...and on occasion she tells us "I don't feel like no shit today" or "Don't fuck with me today". She puts us on notice, and we know...Don't mess with her. Don't say anything out of the way because we are having a bad day and want to dump on her as we as humans occasionally do to others.
I love and respect those who show their asses, so to speak. Who don't give a damn.
I'm not suggesting that I want to be a _itch to others. I don't believe in dumping my stuff on another person. But what I am saying is I want to be authentic.
Historically, black people in America have had to deny how they have truly felt about their oppressor, about white people. It was understandable. Why would they share the resources they stole with someone who hated them for injustices done against them. I have carried a similar mentality. I have lived a double life, a personal and a professional me. I am sure that there are many other me's that I have lived depending upon how I have perceived the situation.
I've had an inner critic in my head that said you can't talk this way or that way and be accepted in your prodominately white work place. They truth is I feel a lot of pressure working with white people. I am realizing as I get older that everyone can see that I am black. In my actions I try to combat the negative stereotypes that white americans have of black americans. I watched my speech so as to not sound ignorant.
I am less and less concerned about it, but I'd be lying if I said the concern, the self-consciousness doesn't still exist.
What's feeding me? My job is feeding me a diet that is killing me spiritually. My surroundings don't reflect me. I am the only black person in key meetings at each of my three schools. I could work with more blacks if I worked in DC or PG, but then I'd be dealing with another situation.
I have to combat this spiritual decline that I am feeling. I need the breath of spirit breathed back in to me. I want to feel connect to the ALL, the Most High God again. I want to engage in spiritual discourse and be fed in my Spirit. I want to feel higher level vibrations and e-motions. Not lower level vibrations where anger, jealousy and fear are bread.
I want to sing with Angels when I breathe. I want the vibration of my blink to be felt by my sister in Cali because that's how in-tuned we are to one another. We transmit and react to the negative, but rarely do we intentionally transmit, send out and receive consciously, the positive.
I've been associating with others who don't see life the way I do. No- I'm not expecting others to be other versions me. But I wanna reflect back a glow, a light, a love...that bounces off of me to them and comes back. It's nothing wrong with being with folks that honor you.
It's okay to wanna Be with like minded souls that make you wanna be a better version of the you you were yesterday or the day before. I need to eat better. I'm beginning to be spiritually anemic. I need to watch what I eat, watch what goes in via the senses....what is it that I hear? How am I being treated...feel? what am I seeing? what am I sensing? If it leaves a bad taste in your mouth, your gut, your spirit...leave it alone. It may not be good for you.

Pay attention to what's feeding you...
what we are feeding ourselves?

I rephrased it because nothing goes in that we don't give entry to

Politics...Iraq...Old or New Agenda?

Just wanted to share something that has been around for a while.
Check out the website. It makes you wonder how deep the Rabbit hole
goes? The Matrix...? here is the site...Just think, A few came
together and said this is what we feel should be a priority. SLowly
but surely it became the agenda of a few became the agenda for a
nation, for a world. Peep the names below...How many now have
positions in Bush's cabinet, and within Federal Agencies?

By the Way, There has been NO talk of ASHCROFT lately. What in the
hell is he up to? We have the Patriot Act...Our attention has swayed
and refocused to the election. To Kerry repeating John Edwards' words
that Cheney thanked Edwards for during the vice presidential debate
regarding Cheney's lesbian daughter. BTW, It wasn't like Edwards or
Kerry outed her. Anyway, keep doing your own independent
investigation of truth. The Television is a tool used by those who
control it...It's not a truth box. Get another view of us, read
foreign press, news, etc.

Letter below taken from the following link:

http://www.newamericancentury.org/iraqclintonletter.htm
__________________________________________________
______________________


January 26, 1998

The Honorable William J. Clinton
President of the United States
Washington, DC

Dear Mr. President:

We are writing you because we are convinced that current American
policy toward Iraq is not succeeding, and that we may soon face a
threat in the Middle East more serious than any we have known since
the end of the Cold War. In your upcoming State of the Union Address,
you have an opportunity to chart a clear and determined course for
meeting this threat. We urge you to seize that opportunity, and to
enunciate a new strategy that would secure the interests of the U.S.
and our friends and allies around the world. That strategy should
aim, above all, at the removal of Saddam Hussein’s regime from
power.
We stand ready to offer our full support in this difficult but
necessary endeavor.

The policy of “containment” of Saddam Hussein has been
steadily
eroding over the

past several months. As recent events have demonstrated, we can no
longer depend on our partners in the Gulf War coalition to continue to
uphold the sanctions or to punish Saddam when he blocks or evades UN
inspections. Our ability to ensure that Saddam Hussein is not
producing weapons of mass destruction, therefore, has substantially
diminished. Even if full inspections were eventually to resume, which
now seems highly unlikely, experience has shown that it is difficult
if not impossible to monitor Iraq’s chemical and biological
weapons
production. The lengthy period during which the inspectors will have
been unable to enter many Iraqi facilities has made it even less
likely that they will be able to uncover all of Saddam’s secrets.
As
a result, in the not-too-distant future we will be unable to determine
with any reasonable level of confidence whether Iraq does or does not
possess such weapons.

Such uncertainty will, by itself, have a seriously destabilizing
effect on the entire Middle East. It hardly needs to be added that if
Saddam does acquire the capability to deliver weapons of mass
destruction, as he is almost certain to do if we continue along the
present course, the safety of American troops in the region, of our
friends and allies like Israel and the moderate Arab states, and a
significant portion of the world’s supply of oil will all be put
at
hazard. As you have rightly declared, Mr. President, the security of
the world in the first part of the 21st century will be determined
largely by how we handle this threat.

Given the magnitude of the threat, the current policy, which depends
for its success upon the steadfastness of our coalition partners and
upon the cooperation of Saddam Hussein, is dangerously inadequate. The
only acceptable strategy is one that eliminates the possibility that
Iraq will be able to use or threaten to use weapons of mass
destruction. In the near term, this means a willingness to undertake
military action as diplomacy is clearly failing. In the long term, it
means removing Saddam Hussein and his regime from power. That now
needs to become the aim of American foreign policy.

We urge you to articulate this aim, and to turn your Administration's
attention to implementing a strategy for removing Saddam's regime from
power. This will require a full complement of diplomatic, political
and military efforts. Although we are fully aware of the dangers and
difficulties in implementing this policy, we believe the dangers of
failing to do so are far greater. We believe the U.S. has the
authority under existing UN resolutions to take the necessary steps,
including military steps, to protect our vital interests in the Gulf.
In any case, American policy cannot continue to be crippled by a
misguided insistence on unanimity in the UN Security Council.

We urge you to act decisively. If you act now to end the threat of
weapons of mass destruction against the U.S. or its allies, you will
be acting in the most fundamental national security interests of the
country. If we accept a course of weakness and drift, we put our
interests and our future at risk.

Sincerely,

Elliott Abrams Richard L. Armitage William J. Bennett

Jeffrey Bergner John Bolton Paula Dobriansky

Francis Fukuyama Robert Kagan Zalmay Khalilzad

William Kristol Richard Perle Peter W. Rodman

Donald Rumsfeld William Schneider, Jr. Vin Weber

Paul Wolfowitz R. James Woolsey Robert B. Zoellick

Hiding Sun

Today the weather is dreary. It's the kind of day that you'd rather spend at home in p.j.'s with a blanket, a good movie and good food. Chatting with someone that you like, I mean really like as a person...someone you feel really gets you and you really get. Sometimes we just tolerate each other. It's an "I love you but..." type situation. I want a constant love where I don't have to do anything but be me, and just love another for themselves. People need people to be certain ways so that they can feel okay...feel happy. I just wanna be. Is that possible? I don't know.

I miss passionate days and feelings about life. Sometimes when the Sun hides behind clouds for a period of time, and the sky tears and mists...releases her energy, the passion kinda fades with the Sun. We wonder when will the fun return, or just that happy feeling we get with the Sun.

I think sitting in this office of cement walls and a door is getting to me. It feels cold...in more ways than one. I know I'm a little chilly inside today. Maybe others are too.

A Window...

This space that I have created is a space for ME. I enjoy journaling and typing out my thoughts, feelings and observations. I like it because it's mine. I can say what I feel. It is an environment that I am creating for me...no one else. Selfish...huh? Yep, I have every right to be. This space is what I need to release energy, toxins that build.... Where others who want to stay connected with my personal and spiritual growth and development can peak in and see what's going on.

I have disabled the comments. I want to establish and maintain an environment that honors who I am as a person, as a student in Earth school and as a Spirit. I want a space where I can grow and reflect on that growth through writing. U have a window.

Peace

FREEDOM OF SPEECH...Updated

THE ONLY FREE SPEECH IS THE SPEECH, THOUGHTS, IN YOUR HEAD...(AND WE PAY A PRICE FOR THAT TOO). The minute you say something that someone doesn't like the lynch mob comes after you. What is free speech? How free is it, speech, when you pay for it some how, some way? You lose acquaintances. Sometimes you lose your job...Is Speech free? Hell NO!

It happens in the United States and throughout the world all the time. If you say something of a truth that someone or some entity doesn't want exposed that you are discredited, shown to be illegitimate, a personal weakness is found or brought up or out to try to convince people of how bad you are and how you don't know what you are talking about...

We have many political prisoners today because they had a voice and they were saying something that was worth listening to AND people were listening.

People are banned from various countries because they, their words are viewed as a threat to National Security. They may disrupt the status quo...Examples- Minister Farrakahn is banned from visiting England, Michael Moore's speaking engagements at various college campuses were cancelled. Why? Why is their free speech not allowed?

This happens all the time, all over the place. People don't realize that the banning itself lends more credence to the cause of , to the words of the individual you are attempting to silence.

FREEDOM OF SPEECH

THE ONLY FREE SPEECH ARE THE THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD...AND WE PAY A PRICE FOR THAT TOO. The minute you say something that someone doesn't like the lynch mob comes after you. What is free speech? How free is it, speech, when you pay for it some how, some way? You lose acquaintances. Sometimes you lose your job...Is Speech free? Hell NO!

Neighbors...my voice

I have been a home owner for almost one year. It's a wonderfull feeling to have something that actually goes up in value instead of depreciating. Living in an apratment for the last several years had it's conveniences such as utilities included as well as the upkeep of the lawn and landscape. Living in a townhouse I have a little patch of grass in the front and what amount to a plot of 12x20 square feet of grass and yard space in the back. Through the spring months we were pretty good about keeping the grass cut after we purchased our shiny new electric lawn mower. We've purchased other supplies such as a rake, grass seed, weed killer, shears, water hoses, etc., etc. In September the vacant place next to us was finally occupied by a man, his wife and two daughters.

One day while driving up to the house from work. I became a little disoriented. I did not know which driveway was mine because the patch of high grass I left that morning was no where to be found. It was cut VERY low, so was the neighbor's grass who'd just moved in a few days before.
he was standing outside as I approached and got out of the car. I walked over to him and asked, 'did U cut the grass?' He looked very cautious like "oh lord, did I mess up?" I read this look on his face and immediately wanted to put him at ease and let him know that it was appreciated. After all it was my turn to cut grass and I had not down it since I returned from the Bahamas at the end of August. I thanked him, but thought to myself 'that way too low'...

Since then he's offered to do all sorts of things. The thing is...while I appreciate it, I do not want him doing things around my house without asking if I want it done. I cut the grass on Thursday to show- hey, we got this! And this evening when I returned from shopping I noticed that the grass that I cut and racked on Thursday to show that I am capable of doing my own lawn was cut again by my neighbor. He didn't rake. He left the cut grass there and cut my lawn down so low I'm afraid bald and browning spots are imminent. Without permission he cut my grass...

It goes to show that complacency sends a message of compliance. And now I'm kinda ticked off because I have to tell him to NOT cut my grass anymore because I do not want him to. I have to look at his sad eyes when I request that he not violate my right to choose what I wanna do with my lawn.

Some say it's not that serious...Maybe it isn't...but it's a little more than grass being cut. It's a woman who has allowed others to have there way in the past finding her voice and her courage to say what she does and doesn't want. In that sense, it's very serious.

Morning Thoughts....

Why in the world I am so disorganized? My room is a mess. i have clothes everywhere. I attempt to do a better job of organizing but before I know it I'm off to something else. I change clothes, throw the ones I just took off on the bed and keep going. I mean...sometimes I toss them in a laundry hamper but usually they end up in the bed.

It's getting colder outside. I'm feeling good about that too. usually I love summer and never look forward to the change in season but today i don't mind marching toward November. There is a feeling of security, stability...yes, in all of my choas a peacefullness has arrived.

I'll feel even better when I can get and stay organized. Be back later to share more...

Humiliated...

For the first time yesterday, I was embarrassed in public by a woman i had seen before. She works at my dentists office, his wife, an unpleasant, unhappy seeming lady...at least the vibe I've picked up from her in the past. I felt so bad after the incident that I cried on the way home. An energy whirled inside my head that had to be released. If it had not have released itself in tears, i would have burst...If I was someone other than myself I would have had her head as a treat, bit in to it like a chocolate easter bunny with the hollow head. I had never been so humiliated in my life. I an lucky compared to what many others experience in life. Even still I felt less than human...I can't imagine how others feel...

I remembered one of don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements "Don't Take Anything Personally" but I held it close and it, the humiliation, the venom of her words became real. I felt it, and it hurt.

Show Me...

Exactly how to be. I promise I'll watch...just watch U act out my part for me. Just watch because I can never be anything but me no matter how hard i try to forget whoI am...it's just me...but I will watch u show me

Today...

Today feels new...I mean it is a new day but some days just feel like repeats of days gone by...Like Groundhogs day with Bill Murray. I'm excited and tired at the same time. I spent the day with a friend, a good friend. We met at Eastern Market in DC...a neat little place with many different types of folks, all shades of color, gender, age, ethnicity. All respectFULL and getting along, at least that's what I saw. Vendors come out and sell their goods, their craft. People walk, drink, eat, look, smell, and feel the vibe of the environment.

It was a cool crisp day. Just cool enough to not be concerned about germs in the air. A day where in the sun you feel warm enough but in the shade...'it's cold!'

There was a sister there...an artist. She painted beauty-FULL, vibrant pieces with texture. I mean the paint didn't hug the canvas...It leaned over toward and said "feel me". Brown sister with locks that added character to her frame. She paints full-time, 60 pieces a week she says...All original. I am sure I will see her again when I have money to buy one of her pieces. The price was quite reason-able.

Had coffee this morning at a Starbucks owned by Magic Johnson. I thought to myself 'this must be owned by magic johnson. there are too many images of this black man on the wall. Vanilla people, as mocca coco calls them, would put pictures of a black man all over their walls.' Duhhh!

While sitting there I heard a familiar voice laced with sound that was not familiar to me...Natalie Stewart of Floetry spoke words to melodies and Marsha's voice glided in next to hers. It was a beauty-full song, but I would not hear it to my satisfaction because it played above the humm of voices of others who waited for and enjoyed their morning cup of joe.

I felt alive today. No worries, no cares, no concerns...just peaceFULL and content... on a nice crisp autum day.