Resistence

A lot of times I say I want change and resist when it happens. It doesn't always feel good to go through changes, but we take ourselves through them all the time. It's not always necessary either...but we create it. Sometimes drama filled changes...I've done that too. My creations...I'm not always proud of them, but they are mine and it reminds me that I am power-full. I've created so much stuff and sometimes while kicking and screaming to resist some other change a new one, a new self is sprouted. A different part of me outed. It's all good in the end...I just wish I could have seen some of that stuff in the beginning. In hindsight, I would have created differently...not with everything though. Just the stuff that left me numb. I lived with the joy and grew through the pain. That numb stuff...I seem to keep hashing up...creating again until I feel it.

Long Time

It's been long time...Too long? Maybe/Maybe not. There is nothing between you/me and your/my dream but you/me! And, so often I forget that truth.

I need to put myself in the place, the space where I am inspired the things, the people around me. And there is nothing to it, but to do it!

We're going to get back into the groove...maybe this space will be my meditation, my prayer, my answer...maybe the act of expressing will free me, liberate me from this stage/phase of mediocrity. Like Blanketing the Sun...The light shines no matter what and sometimes it burns. LOL :)

This is a test...just randoms, just acts of expression to get in the habit of sharing again. Doesn't make any sense, I know. Not much does...Like, why did mom, dad, and step-dad have to die so young? Why they not here guiding me, sharing with me, consoling me...why I gotta get all supernatural to conversate with my parents? Pulling plugs in the house and turning off toys, so they won't use electrical supplies to communicate with me...to get my attention...letting me know they are around. Using mediums to get the messages clearer and clearer...In the end, all I know is they love me...I don't need to pay anyone to tell me that. I'm not the first adult orphan...And, sure I won't be the last. Cherish the moments.

And, and, and...I'm gonna find that voice...I'll hear it when I purge this anger, when I surrender this fear, when I lose that battle and realize this isn't a war...I'm gonna find that when...she'll speak to me at night. We'll make promises not to fight until we find ourselves apologizing again.

And, I don't know what else to say, so I will leave it here. The exhale. The inhale. The look. The stare. The confusion. The contentment. The Tension. The tired. The dream...until next time.