Loneliness

Is it worth it?

Expectation

We find what we are looking for and We get what we ask for. If we expect to be disappointed rest assured we will find it in every situation- work, friendships, love relationships, etc. etc. If we believe that people can't be trusted the universe will validate that belief for us because that's what we are looking for. That's what we expect to see and have happen. It's patterned in us like a record that already has the grooves etched in the wax, the needle travels along it's destined path. In this instance, disappointment because our expectations have not been met. It's sort of like the glass being half full or half empty. We see it how we see it. That's what we are attuned to and that's what we will be presented with. Everything will be tinted with the color lens we perceive it through.

I will say more about this some other time.

Quote

Friendship begins because even without words we understand how someone feels. - Joan Walsh Anglund

Passion

I think I've written about passion here before, but for some reason I wanted to revisit the topic. It's sad that many of us live passionless lives. What is passion to me? Passion is an energy that puts you in touch with every sense...all of the information pathways are open and alive beginning with the mind. Passion's pathways are touch, smell, sound, taste, visual and spirit. Have you ever had an experience that you could only interpret through the spirit? It defied all manner of previous experience and modes of sensory input. You felt it, you knew it- not only by anything thing you've heard, touched, smelled, tasted or saw, but by that inner knowing...you don't know how or why, it just is and you never know it is for sure until you've exhausted every possible rational explanation.

Today I wonder- what does it mean...when we are touched by something or someone and there is no explanation as to why we've been touched so deeply. Instead of forcing an explanation today, I will not put any pressure on myself to know or understand the unknowable...I'll just keep moving, not busily- maybe I should say BE...I'll just BE in the moment and every moment that comes. It's only through being present that we feel passion. Passion is the fuel, the energy of life.

Sleepover

Last Night I attended a sleep over with 7 to 8 grown, a$$ women. I was the baby of the bunch and a few, okay one, had a good time reminding me that I was the youngster in the crew. I can honestly say that this was probably the second sleepover I have attended in my life. We had a really, really good time laughing, joking...It was a 70's party, but I didn't get the memo to remind me of such. Music and movies...We watched Car Wash, Cooley High, and when I left this morning, the Mack was just getting started. Anyway, I had a great time! It was just what the doctor ordered... only the doctor doesn't know he ordered it. Dreams were fullfilled...long story/don't ask-LOL. Now I'm sleepy as heck. I'll spend the rest of today recouperating.

V.DHAMMAPADA For hatred does not

V.DHAMMAPADA For hatred does not cease by hatred at any time: hatred ceases by love - this is an old rule.

Self Esteem

I had an epiphany this morning... I realized that I wasn't acknowledging feelings of anger, hurt and disappointment about a situation in my life. I tried to rationalize and excuse it away. I realized that it's okay to be hurt, to be angry and to be disappointmented. Even if it's not justified in my eyes or the eyes of another. I was feeling how I was feeling. That had to be acknowledged. It didn't matter if it made sense. I had to start where I was. When I did...when I spoke the truth the heaviness I felt lifted off of my shoulders. I told myself that I shouldn't feel the way I felt. I excused the persons behavior as "that's how she is. That's her."

Excusing a person's behavior that doesn't honor me allows me to stay locked in an emotional tango with the feelings and the person. I had to admit to myself that I didn't appreciate or like the way this person responds, treats or interacts with me. I can't excuse it anymore. I had to read the tell tale signs and say- 'yep, this is what this is and it doesn't honor me.' It's unacceptable!

Honoring ourselves by saying what is best for us and expecting the people we interact with to honor us in their words and deeds is key to building and maintaining positive self esteem/regard for self. (LAS-long a$$ sentence...i know)

My mom told me the other day that you have to let people know where you are coming from. She said when you don't let them know, when you don't tell or show them, or when you never take a clear position they will push limits and boundaries because they don't know. I have been stepping outside of my comfort zone. I have stopped concerning myself with hurting another because of my truth (how I feel). I do not seek to hurt others. It's not my nature. But I must speak my truth. Hiding our truth weighs down the spirit. It limits our capactity to soar and fly HIGH!

Speak your truth! Do no harm. Don't dump your stuff on others. And as Iyanla said "say no to what you don't want!" And take a chance and say yes to your heart's desires.

Melancholy Mood

This month is my mom and dad's birthday month. My dad would have been 64 years old on February 3rd. The day before my dad's birthday, a coworker's daughter died unexpectedly. She was around my age...I don't know the cause of her death. I did attend the wake on the 7th. The casket was closed. Her mom, my coworker, was in such great pain. My heart aches for her and her family. I've felt a sense of sadness every since. I don't notice it when I'm distracted with busy stuff.

Over the last I've been thinking about death. I've thought about my attachments to people and how sad when the day comes when they, or I , are no longer here. The thought makes me deeply sad.

The anniversary of my dad and stepdad's death is next month, March.

I never thought about these things until my stepdad passed... and then my dad passed a year later. I met a self I never knew when my dad died. Lost is the only word I can think of right now that describes my state.

At first I was annoyed by Tim McGraw's singing on the Grammy Award show on Sunday. But then I tuned in to what he was singing. He was singing a song titled- Live Like You Were Dying. It really made me think more about death AND living! ...The fact that nothing is promised scares me, but it's true. That, and the reality of death, are fates I have to accept. It's hard though. I wish I never thought about it at all.

But, I have life NOW! It must be lived. I don't want to waste time worrying about something I can't stop. Although, I'm sure many have tried. I would say more, but I'm afraid that I will make myself feel worse than I already feel now. The death thing is something that really gets me.

I am hoping that this feeling will pass by as February passes.

And the Grammy Goes to...

His name is Prince!!!!

Baby Steps...

Today I merged all of my poetry into one document so that i can print and edit it for publication in the not so distant future. I have well over 320 pages. It took several hours. I'm excited about my accomplishment today. It's been on my to do list for a while. It's done now.

Next Step - Printing...I think I'll take it to kinkos. I don't want to blow up my printer.

Dreams

During my 2nd leg of the sleep tour this morning, I almost woke up in tears. There were some emotional things going on in it. It didn't make a lot of sense...it was a dream. In one scene I had a baby lying on my chest and we sang together. Sweet songs that touch me. Yes, a little baby that could talk and sing. A baby but not really a baby. I felt warm and content inside. In another scene, I was singing to Jamie Foxx...kinda thinking of his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes, but we also sang...Stevie Wonder's "All I Do" and we both looked as if we were going to cry. I woke almost instantly feeling like I wanted to or needed to cry. I'm not sad that I'm "consciously" aware of, but I don't have to peel back too many layers to tap that place/space inside me. It was something about the song, "All I do is think about you..."

There is some unfinished business with the people that have been on my mind of late, I guess. All of my dreams during the 2nd leg of the sleep tour this morning felt special emotionally. I know that I'm always working things out on so many levels day and night. The latest felt a cleansing.

The L word Online

The L word next season starts on the 20th. ... another good show to check out!
The L word Online

Healing Thoughts

I've heard Iyanla ask may times, do U wanna be healed or do U wanna be right? Sometimes life requires that we shut our mouths, stop giving reasons why/why not and DO!

I've talked to many people who aren't happy because they feel like where they are is not where they should be. They feel pressure to do this or do that. The internal pressure, the worry becomes their something to do because the thoughts paralyze them.

Is there any harm in accepting ourselves where and as we are at the moment? If we don't acknowledge where we are, how do we really chart a course of action/progress from that place to another? No one of us is perfect except in our imperfection.

There are so many things that I want out of this life. Many things exist in my head. I am motivated by the process of creating something out of thought. Making manifest ideas into tangible things. In the beginning was the word...I believe that to be real. The bible is full of metaphysical truths.

I want to be healed. I don't care if I'm right. Everyone's truth is personal. There are however universal laws that apply to every thing. I want to be healed. I am healing.

Sometimes we get caught up in the physical appearances of things. We see illness as a curse. Illness is a cleanings, a clearing of that which we no longer need. Illness shows up to make clear to us where we actually are. We slow down when we don't feel well. We get a little more focus on the problem at hand when our bodies command that we pay attention through pain and discomfort.

I know I am healing. My recent readings shed light on the asthma and allergies that I am frequently visited by. The lungs are a part of the heart chakra. I have worked with medical doctors to try to facilitate healing and clearing on a physical level. The medications threw my physical system totally off. The side effects were worse than the ailment I sought relief from.
I am reminded that I need to focus on healing from an energetic, emotional level. I need to go deeper and use all avenues to healing. I shall ask the ancestors for guidance and assistance. I need healing help from the invisible realm. I need focus and concentration.

I will affirm and visualize this wellness, this healing I seek...the healing that is here waiting for me.