What's happening?

"Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello"....Hello is the b-side song on Prince's Pop Life single. Pop Life is one of my favorite Prince songs. Back to Hello...everytime I write Hello I start singing the Prince song in my head.

Today was a very busy day after a very sedentary day yesterday. Today I deweeded my front lawn by hand. I worked in the yard from 10am to 3pm nonstop, two outside gatorade breaks. It felt great. It's one of the few times that I am totally in the moment, not thinking about anything. The time goes by so fast...it's like a moving meditation. It feels wonderfull to NOT think. It feels wonderfull to be active. It feels wonderfull to see the end result of your work and feel that's time well spent. So often I am in front of the computer doing nothing but surfing. The time flies by fast when I'm websurfing but it does nothing for my body Or mind nor my spirit. When I am working in the yard I am with God, with the Earth...I am also out in the sun sweating which is good for my skin. The Vitamin D from the sun is GOOOOOOD for my overall wellbeing.

Good news! Good News! Friday was my last day of work until August 29. I work year 'round to get to August, my month off. I love having an 11 month contract. I need to structure my time though. I have a few books I want to start and/or finish reading. I also have my own work to read and edit.

Next week I'm off to Miami for a week. I am planning to soak up more sun and have some fun. I will be joined by some of the best minds in the world at the Association of Black Psychologists' convention. I will probably stay up very late watching the best and the brightest minds unwind with all night games of Bid Whist. I have no idea what the object of that game is, but I love to hear them talk sh*t to each other. My ABPsi conferences have been some of the most life changing gatherings I have ever experienced. When I am with them I am with family. This will be our annual reunion. (smiling) I can hardly wait...

Being in the moment is so crucial to living a stressless, or should I say stress reduced life. everyone should have activities that take them out of their heads...activities that are meditative. That's what my yard work is for me....exercise and meditation. I need to plant my Sunflower seeds. I have the small size, medium size and the gigantic size sunflower seeds. I don't think that I will plant the gigantic ones. I'd prefer to grow the smaller ones in a container to start. I need to get my grass to start growing again. Weeds started to choke the life out of it. (Weeds choking the life out of something)...hmmm. But I cleaned it up. It's brown and bald but I'm gonna keep working with it, tending to it and helping it get healthy again. TLC is what it needs. TLC is what we all need.

Back to Basics! Things have gotten so out of hand, so far outside of our realm of control, that it's hard to live purposefull lives. We get busy trying to keep of with the demands of keeping up. I want to make the most of my time. There is so much that we still have control over...We have full control, actually. "Keep dreaming! Keep Living! Keep Being in the Moment!", I tell myself. "Keep On!", said the ancestors. "Okay!"

The Circle

Copyright © 2005 Blackgold347

Hmmm....It's been a minute since I last posted. Well I had the most wonderfull experience over the weekend. I went to my first drumming circle. It was all the way LIVE. For about 4-1/2 hours I beat on a conga drum and a wood block...My hands are still aching, but the swelling has gone down. I know...sounds bad, huh? But it was well worth it. There were black people, white people, hispanics... Black cubans...People of all hues and shades. It was a little piece of heaven. It's the world that only exists where music and rhythm is at the heart of it all. In my experience, Music is the only medium that crosses barriers. Not the business, but the art. It was the world that I wish I could experience everyday. THERE WAS NO CLASS DIVISION. We were all people...everyone contributed even if they only stood by and applauded. It was my first time attended...we did one piece where everyone with a drum had the opportunity had an to play a brief solo. Some of us did well and some of us did not so well. It was all good, and all fun! People danced, chanted, blew trumpets and saxophones, wooden flutes...We hit on anything that would make a sound. Someone had a whole drumset out there... The folks that performed impromptu African dance did their thang! I was so happy to see white and black people by rhythm and dancing together. I want to get my dance on too. Maybe next time! In another world, a world other than the park where we danced and drummed, people would have poked fun at the white women who danced, but you could clearly see that these women were in touch with their need to release and express themselves. I admired their freedom to be moved by rhythm and spirit, their willingness to share and commune with peoples of African descent, and be what some would term the minority. It simply felt like family...light skin and dark skin family...Music is our greatest hope...Music is where it's at! Music is going to be that thing that brings the people, the cultures together.

While I drummed there was no thinking. It was about being in the moment. When drumming and dancing it's hard to be anywhere else besides the now, the present.

I can't wait to go back!

Copyright © 2005 Blackgold347

I should be in bed now, but I ain't
I should fall asleep, but I haven't tried
I should log out, stop writing and walk upstairs, but I don't want to not yet
I should close my eyes here and take a little cat nap, but why
I wanna write
I wanna purge my head of thoughts
I wanna free these energies, these dreams, these shortcomings and these longer-goings,
these words...
have life
have meaning
have a pulse of their own
can u feel it?
can u read it?
What does it say?
Tell me! Tell me!
Okay, Okay...I miss you
I thought of you
I know you and
I owe you... truth

See, we speak the same language
and we've traveled the same roads
journeying on the way to self-re-covery
rememberances...we've held them
I am and you are...love
I am to show you and grow new...love
and when you forget all the false names
that they've called you
and when you wonder who you are again
remember...love

And I should go to bed now...maybe
And I've purged all these thoughts out of my head...let's see
And maybe I can close my eyes now...
ummm, still... not yet

Copyright © 2005 Blackgold347

Confessional

It's one of those nights where I can't sleep. I lay down in the bed because my body feels tired but my mind just keeps going and going like the ever-ready battery bunny. I mean, it's traveling all over the place, but not exactly where I want it to go... I've thought about how dry my mouth was during a meeting that I chaired at work today and how I wished really bad that I had water or gum or candy or something... I was praying for saliva. How bad is that? Some pray for rain to water crops and others pray for that new job or that new relationship... Big things, or at least something more significant than saliva. My mouth was so dry... i should have excused myself, Left the meeting I was running. I mean who really cares about what they are talking about when every sound coming from your mouth is echoed and accented by the popping sound that is made when the little molecule of saliva, that answered prayed, is dried up when the roof of your mouth slams down again to form the next word... And I thought, 'I can hear this sound'. And I wondered, 'Can they hear this sound?' And I was embarrassed, but I didn't wanna get up and excuse myself, halt the meeting that I was chairing because I thought 'we're running out of time...we are already behind... I gotta get these folks out of here so the next meeting can start'. And after the meeting I share this with the psychologist who is sitting in the meeting with me and she says, "Yeah, I thought about getting you some water..." and I say to myself 'Damn'. I am recreating the fricking Sahara Desert in my mouth with sound effects and all and... I was embarrassed and tonight I couldn't stop thinking about my looking bad or less than put together in front of them because I know how they and sometimes we talk about people who aren't "perfect". And i thought about judgements again. And I thought about the atmospheres that we create and how safe and comfortable we make each other feel... Or, should I say how uncomfortable and unsafe the environments we create are. I need to look at and correct my part in creating a tense work environment.

I really wish that I felt like I was in my element at work. Have you ever watched salmon swim up stream on those nature shows? Looks tough doesn't it...like they are putting forth a lot of effort. At least that's how it looks to me. Well, many days I feel like a salmon walking on the sidewalk...trying to keep my whole body (and mouth) wet. LOL Praying for a good rain...
Something has to change for me on the work front. Day in and day out I'm doing work that isn't rewarding in environments that don't energize or affirm me. I-Robot... I go through the motions and many days my spirit feels heavy. I'm an energy being...I know that I can't keep doing this just for a pay check...It's costing me more than I can continue to pay.

I feel better having articulated what was on my mind. Those thoughts, that energy was just swirling around in my head.

Let me see...(hmm) what else is left to purge? I need stimulation in my life. That's a part of why work isn't fullfilling. I feel like a race horse is inside of me getting really impatient and frustrated because it can't get out on the track(or field) and run at top speed. Instead, it's pent up. What happens to the body, mind and spirit when we are going against our physical and spiritual natures? I've been fighting dis-ease, but we need to cure it!

God, me and you, we gotta get this right! I feel that it's me holding me back. i'm holding my own reigns... We (me with God) gotta deal with this.

I'm going to be so tired in the morning. It's a good thing I can sleep late.

Simple kisses
holding hands
it's still the stage in the relationship
where every move,
every touch is electric
tiny and exotic
jolts that travel down
meridians and pathways
for a few moments all
of my chakras are spinning
and projecting BIG bright
colorfull lights...
from one touch
oh, please, please, please
don't mention the thoughts
not the memories
or the ones i manufacture...
pure fiction is what this feels like
it's my best novel that yet to be written
my most erotic tale that's yet to be experienced
in living, live, real, true to life color
I want to taste you in megapixels
see you in scents
feel you in decibels
At night I see you
you're Sirius
I know you are...
and during the day
you shine your rays on me
And I could tell you
about every place that I've seen you
every way that felt you
and every prayer that I've prayed to
be blessed with you
there is nothing that compares
to your electric touches
and transcendental kiss

Copyright © 2005 Blackgold347


I think I can sleep now...

I'm not sure why this story has captured my interest in the way that it has... I am hopefull that this situation is a blessing in disguise for all who are impacted and concerned. We all have much to learn about each other. It may be time that we work through this, or at least go to the next level as it relates to our understanding and acceptance of love between people of the same sex.

On the one hand you have religion which says "homosexuality" is a sin. There is something wrong with the individual that isn't right and that needs to be changed. Is the view that people who are of the same sex should not have sex with each other? Is the view that people of the same sex should not fall in love with each other and express that love physically with each other? Is it okay for people of the same sex to feel romantic love towards each other, but just not act on it? Love is often times left out of the equation when I hear preachers and others talk about and condemn "homosexual" relationships. Sex is the only consideration. Is sex the only aspect of heterosexual relationships? Why is it the only aspect that many think of in regards to same sex relationships?

On the other hand, you have people who have been set aside, hated, murdered, beat up and ostracized because they love people of the same sex. Are more woman "becoming" lesbians, or are more women chosing to risk being their authentic selves because of the great strides that the gay and lesbian community has made in their fight for respect and acceptance? Many people including preachers do not realize that many gays and lesbians have moved beyond the questions of "Do I have a right to exist on the Earth?" People have to wake up and realize that many gays and lesbians are past asking that question. They have moved on to how do I protect and guarantee that I will be protected and respected in a society that looks at me as if I do not have a right to exist on the Earth.

I can't stand the "-isms" that separate and divide individuals, families, and nations. Religion in and of itself is not a bad thing. But people have used it to justify dislike and hate towards people who are different probably since the very beginning. Do we really believe that that is what God wants for us? Who told us...where did we hear it from that homosexuality is wrong? What are the real issues that plague us?

I think about the controversy over Wilson's statements. Those who are offended have a right to be offended. Wilson has a right to speak his beliefs. What is the goal of what we say and what we demand from each other? Is it greater understanding of the other? One party is saying "Hey, accept me!" And the other party is saying "Something is wrong with you, and you go against my religion." What would ministers and preachers be giving up if they accepted same sex love? Would they feel like failures in the eyes of God?

I have many questions and few answers...

Today was...

Today was a different feeling day. I'm not sure why that was the case. Maybe because it's...a new day? Some days I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog's Day. Today was not that day. Today I really felt that I missed communing with others, but not enough to reach out and commune. I just reflected a lot. Tried to understand why I was feeling irritation towards a few people at work. Maybe because those two people remind me of work. I'll have to get another check of my energy while in their space and figure what I need to do to counteract that. I don't want or need anything taking me out of my element especially when all they've done is exist...nothing more, nothing less. That ain't right! So, I need to figure out what's happening with my energy when I am around them.

Went to the pool today. I did a little sun bathing to get Vitamin D in my system.

I've been thinking about the unfortunate comments made by Reverend Wilson. Not sure why I've been thinking about it so much. I sincerely hope that he learns something from this experience. We can't complain about what others do to us and never take responsibility for our own actions. No one is ALWAYS right! We have to be big enough to say "I'm sorry I hurt you." How else will we heal the divides between people of the Earth? Basic respect is all most people want. Basic respect is what every person deserves and has a right to.

I know that this is a Utopian thought, but I really wish that we as humans were advanced enough to judge people by the content of their character. I wish that we could see past sexual orientation and gender, race, class, etc. I wish that we could see the Spirit of a person rather than what amounts to the clothes they wear. I know, I know...like Martin said, "I have a dream". I wish it was reality.

I've heard Reverend Wilson say controversial things before with my own ears. Maybe I've grown, Maybe I've changed, Maybe I've backslid (or whatever)...His comments don't feel right to hear or read. I'm gonna let that go soon and move on. But for some reason the sad feeling I have about his comments is sticking around.

Reverend Wilson has done a lot of good in the community. In the past, I have personally gained much from the ministries at Union Temple. He officiated my dad's homegoing services when my father never stepped one foot in his church. For that I will always be gratefull... This is a learning opportunity for the Reverend. If we are gonna make a call for unity, we have to use love to do it...genuine love. If we say we wanna promote healing, then we have to speak and act in ways that foster that healing. Okay, I'm gonna try to be done with that topic and get on with something else...

Hot, humid and hazy is the weather forecast for... just kidding

It's getting late and I'm getting tired and... that's it

Be good, good people. Love... not just verbalizations, but practice love.

Controversial Remarks about Lesbians Made by DC Minister

There is a lot of controversy in the Washington, DC area related to comments made by Reverend Willie Wilson of Union Temple Baptist Church. Although I have not attended regularly in almost two years or at all in over a year, it is the first and only church that I attended as an adult. That aside...

I was shocked to hear about the comments that he made regarding lesbians. I will not post the comments here. There is a link to an article below that goes into more detail.

As a social worker and as one on the healing path, I find the comments made from Reverend Wilson's pulpit offensive, saddening, irresponsible (even if he was speaking honestly) and...I don't know what else. I am not a lesbian, but I have friendships with others who classify themselves as such. I know many in the black community and society, in general, hold views that people who love people of the same gender and express themselves sexually with those of the same gender are evil, wrong-doing, sinners. Many don't believe that it's morally right, etc. etc. etc. I can't judge anybody... Not a single soul. I can't fault anybody for loving someone with the same genitalia. I just can't.

Wilson's comments were graphic, which I found offensive. His comments were sad because there is still this debate as to whether gays and lesbians should exist on the Earth or not, and he has added to the perception that something is inherently wrong with people who classify themselves as such. People in same sex relationships have always been in the black community. Just about everyone I know has or had a gay relative. There were always gay members of our families. Why are we ostracizing family members? (Is that new? I honestly do not know the history well enough to say yea or nay to that.) How are negative comments towards or about gays and lesbians different from negative comments toward or about someone based on skin color? Not much different to me.

Why irresponsible? I find Wilson's comments irresponsible because as Executive Director of the Millions More Movement everything he does and says represents the movement and those that appointed him to this leadership position within the movement. It's hard to separate the man from the mission. I wonder what Minister Farrakhan will have to say publicly about this. It is also irresponsible because the comments are divisive, and do not promote healing on an individual or collective level. What else is the purpose of a minister but to promote healing?

But, you know,... Reverend Wilson shared his personal beliefs about lesbians. In the past, he made gestures of reconciliation towards the gay community. I think that the gestures of reconciliation he made previously don't mean a hill of beans after he expressed his recent views. It can't...people look for and respect congruence. Maybe he feels that it is his duty as a minister to say what he believes God "says" about the gays and lesbians God made. Since spirituality is such a personal thing, I will leave the "is it right or wrong?" to the individual and God.

Link to article re: Wilson's comments

Sunday Evening Ramblings

I started reading my poetry. I think it has taken me a while to crack the pages of the book (not published yet, but spiral bound) open because it's so emotionally laden. I mean...the stuff is charged!! I can't believe I wrote some of it. It has taken so many years of my life to get to the space where I can trust myself and others enough to articulate some of my deepest feelings and thoughts. I am so happy that I reached that place of trust and faith. Emotional honesty is the foundation of growth and healing. Sometimes I wonder if it is a fault, or a lack of boundaries to share so much of myself with others. But while I do share more of myself than I have ever shared before, I do not share everything with everybody. I do have limits, and I do have boundaries. Boundaries are healthy. There should be some flexibility based on the nature of our relationship with the other person. We don't want to have boundaries that are too loose or too rigid. Protecting ones self is basic to and necessary for survival. I know that I have crossed more than a few lines in my day. That's not uncommon when we haven't had appropriate boundaries modeled for us in our families.

There have been times in my life where I have felt too needy, and I wanted something from someone else. If you asked me I could not have articulated it. I still don't know if I can articulate it. My reaction to not liking that feeling was to avoid relationships altogether. I only had superficial dealings where my true self was not present. I didn't even know who my true self was much less have her be a part of my interactions with others.

How have I reconciled my need for interaction with others and the needy part of me that shows up from time to time? Well, I've spent a lot of time processing, talking about and thinking about what my needs are. I've taken risks to open up and allow others to get to know me. Before I allowed others to truly get to know me I had to believe that I was, and am, a good person who had something special to share with others. I had to give myself the validation that I needed. I had to affirm my worth and realize that no one could complete me.

No one could complete me. I am complete. Saying 'I am complete' is one thing. Knowing and being it is another. Some believe don't take them seriously...but I say affirmations. Believe me, they work. The subconscious mind is so powerfull! I affirm those things that I want to bring into existence, or should I say manifestation. Everything already exists. Sometimes it's a matter of if we 'see' it or not. Whatever we feed grows! Why not plant seeds of confidence? So often we rely on others to do for us what we must do for ourselves. I'm not saying that it doesn't feel good to be complimented by others. It does! But our worth and value cannot be tied solely to what others have to say about us. Sometimes we rely on other people's opinion so much that we don't feel good unless we are getting outside validation and compliments. That's too much control for others to have over our wellbeing.

I remember not feeling good if a boyfriend wasn't in my face or space and telling me that he loved me. It got to the point that he no longer enjoyed being around me because it was too much work for him. That was in high school and early college days. That is not the case today and it hasn't been in a while. There have been other challenges since those days though. More recently I had to remind myself that just because people change their minds (and actions) about interacting with me doesn't mean that I am less than. don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements helped me remember "not to take things personally". (I love that book!) The seeds of that affirmation had been planted and had taken root some time ago. I needed to remember because for whatever reason a part of me felt that it was personal. Also, my belief that everyone has free will, including myself, helped me to keep things in perspective. I believe that as spirit beings in wrapped in human clothes (skin) our "will" should be "free" to choose.

We all have our journeys. I learned early not to hold on too tight...(sting's If You Love Something Set It Free was one of my favorites as a teen growing up). Also, I trust the process that I've seen unfolding in my life. Good comes to me! It always has! People have left before. People have changed before. I've left and I've changed too! I always want that freedom for myself so I cannot take it away from another. Do I miss the people that I no longer have contact with? Yes, I do! I believe that it's all good though! There are many blessings in the form of friendships to come. Someone's making other choices that don't include me doesn't mean that they did anything to me. Some people are a part of our lives forever and for others it's temporary. I am blessed and appreciative of what was shared during the times our paths crossed. I keep walking...

Take emotional risks in life for the sake of growth, peace, healing and joy. I am a part of a communal people. Communion is a necessity for me. Those of us who spend time communing online when there are no other human links or bonds in our day to day lives, we are the blades of grass that grow out of concrete. We find a way! Just be carefull not to rely solely on internet interactions. Face to face, human interactions cannot be replaced. We need to feel the touch of others. We need to feel the warmth. We need to make eye contact. We need to feel the vibrations that can only come from our physical beings interacting with each other. The same goes for telephone love. (Remember that song?) Telephone love can't sustain us!

So, go out, take a risk and meet people. We can't confront our inclinations to be needy if we avoid interacting with others. How else do you learn? It's easy to confront neediness when we are alone. We have to interact with others to learn ourselves. Take the risk of being authentic! Get quiet, Listen to your own voice in your head. Get in touch with what's in your heart, and share more of what's there!

That's what I'm gonna do!

Peace

Copyright © 2005 Blackgold347

Saturday Morning

I'm up early this morning. It's funny how you can wake up really early in the morning when you don't have any place to be but wake up late on a work day. It's that a clue or sign that you don't really want to go to work? I don't know...

I don't wanna stay in, near or around the house today. I want to get out and do something. If I don't get up and out early I can be around the house doing nothing until 1pm. That's not fun...sometimes it is...like when I am tired and need to rest up. But, today isn't that day. I wanna hang. I've been itching to get back to New york. I need a little bit of stimulation. New York definitely provides that jolt and injection of energy.

Well, I'm not sure what I'll be doing today. Maybe I'll go to a coffee shop and start editing and selecting poetry/pieces for the books.

I need to clean a little before I go. Organizations helps to organize thoughts and energies. Organized thoughts and energies helps to focus the attention and spirit. The end result...peace and relaxation. Okay...I'm going to get into my weekend.

Have a wonderfull weekend everyone. Get something good out of your time...Be genuine in your interactions with yourself and others.

Be Peacefull! Love!

Things change...

Things change... They don't always stay the same. Sometimes the change is for the better but we never get the chance to find out, see it or experience it because we resist any kind of change. There were so many things that I wished that I could have held on to, but I am so thankfull today that I couldn't or didn't because I am so much happier with what I have today.

Sometimes we have to thank God for not giving us what we thought we wanted...that guy, that girl, that job.

Thank you, God!

The Charlatan

I can't be mad...
no, I can't be
mad...
that you use people
for your own private
playground
and when you are confronted
you are busying...
and journeying...
and don't want to be held accountable
and i know that talk is talk because I talk too
and doing and being are different than speaking
showing, and not saying, what is known is louder (modeling)
than words spoken into ten megaphones
and what makes this true is you
and your example
my example
and their example
and no, you can't keep using people
master-baiting with them
and yes we are all accountable for ourselves
but why does it always seem that everyone else is 'cept you
No, I don't want nothing
and no, I ain't mad
and no, I ain't sad
See my only expectation is to expect you to be you
and so far, ...so far, ...so far
you've lived up to it
Don't let every good that you do be cancelled out by you
Just like one plus one equals two
one minus one equals none
what is there left to prove?
what point is there to make?
There is much responsibility given
and much responsibility spoken of,
but there is little in the way of taking...responsibility.
We are no higher than the lowest one of us
why? because we are all connected
The day you disconnect is the day
that you seal you fate of loneliness
and is that what this is all about?
Illusory bonds that can never be broken because they were never formed?
Stop speaking and listen
listen
listen
listen
There are expectations in every relationships
To say you have no expectation of another,
is to say you have no relationship with them.
To say you have no expectation of another is to say I want to be left alone...
We seal our fates!
and we proceed to the next level
the next phase...if we lucky.
Don't miss out on the lesson of relating
and integrity...
Selfish donations don't make us humanitarians
Preaching don't make us holy!

The Charlatan
click link above for definition

Needing Spiritual Grounding

I need spiritual and emotional grounding today. There a little too much chaos around me, and I've been feeling pretty unsettled inside. Balance needs to be restored. My body, my mind and my spirit are telling me "Hey, we need some order up in here!" Where do we start? The first place we can start is our immediate surroundings. Create the order that is needed. For me, that means cleaning and organizing my surroundings- My bed is full of clean clothes. They haven't been folded yet. So, I'll start there. Then, I'll tidy up around the house. This will help focus and center my eyes and thus my thoughts and my thinking. Cleaning and organizing can be meditative if breathing and intent are focused on relaxing, clearing and centering the attention and energies.

What next? Breathe some more. Breathe more deeply. Focus the attention on the breath. Say a mantra. If there is no mantra, think beautifull thoughts. Literally, say to yourself "beautifull thoughts". If your attention stays there on beautifull thoughts, beautifull thoughts will come. Be focus in your intent to have beautifull thoughts and they will come.

What ever is distracting to you, turn it off, tune it out and breathe deeply. Whatever it is you are doing, give it your full attention.

I want to send loving thoughts out to everyone right now. I need loving thoughts returned. I heard of another death today. The 30 year old parent of a student passed away yesterday. I was shocked to read the email. Again, I'm feeling like I've heard of one about one too many deaths. As I drove, I wondered to myself...If i died tomorrow, could I make my transition feeling that I was satisfied with my life and what I was doing in it. With my job? No. I know that I am here to do more. I need to be about the work that God has placed me here to do. Now, yes, my job is sort of in line with that. yes, I help people everyday in very meaningfull ways but what I do doesn't inspire me. I am not refueled energetically by the passion for my work. I need to be about that. Tim McGraw has a song called Live Like You Were Dying. I heard it first some time ago and the lyrics really struck me.

So often we live as if we have two million years to hang around and get it right.

NEWS FLASH!!! WE DON'T!!

I am relatively young, but each day adds up to weeks and the weeks to months and the months to years....and we always think we have more time to do such and such after we've let days and months and years go by without doing what we say we want to do OR what we know in our hearts we need to do.

Whatever is on your to-do-list Make time to do it AND have some fun while you do it. Life is too short to keep wasting our time and talents. We gotta get this thing right. When we go, when our time has come to transition to 100% spirit, we want to feel good about how we spent our time here. We, I want to feel good about the life I led, the hearts and spirits I've touched.

I have to get busy right now. I need to go clear those clothes off of my bed and tidy up my space. And then I need to Breathe...more deeply. And think beautifull thoughts. and then maybe I'll hit the skins (drums) to induce a little more relaxation and ask the spirit of the ancestors to join me.

I want to pray for all who are grieving, sad, lonely and hurt. May the spirit of comfort and peace be by your side. And then I need to eat. Everything won't get done necessarily in that order, but that's what our/my intentions are this evening.

God, Thank you for the continuous breaths that I take. I need your comfort, your joy and your peace. Please be with me! And so it is!

Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do

and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn't
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn't such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I'd do if I could do it all again

and then
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what'd you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it'

Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying

Pause

Today is one of those days. If I could press the pause button on time, on the Earth's spin I'd press it today. I need to time catch up to life. I'm moving a little slow and I need a few more seconds, maybe minutes to catch up. There have been a few too many deaths (Luther, David Haines), bombings (Iraq, London, all over the globe)...Flipping channels I see the same news...Dennis, London...The pained look of people looking for their loved ones in London...The feeling I had after September 11th returned. It's like you try not to think about it. But you already heard that it happened and it taps that place that's already sad, already insecure... I know that death is a part of life. My reaction to the latest news, that of David Haines' (radio personality dc area) death, reminds me that I have some more personal grieving and centering to do. Emotionally, I'm spent.

Imagine... the whole world put on pause. Everything still except you! No Death. No birth. No sound except the sound of your own breath, your own voice. Now that would be lonely! Everyone frozen. Nothing moves. Just stillness. Now...what would I do? I'd sleep. I'd take a nap. Exhale deeply 'cause at this very moment I'm a little tired, and a little anxious... it's just the feeling that I can't take, I don't want to take hearing about someone else dying. I don't want to think of the inevitability of my own death. I just want to rest, a peacefull rest...Universe, don't get me wrong! I AM NOT SEEKING ETERNAL REST AT THIS MOMENT. LOL... I'm talking about go upstairs to bed, fall asleep, dream lovely dreams and wake up refreshed, REST! I clarify because we get what we ask for so I want to be clear!

The above reminds me that I've been in "reaction mode". My morning coffee had me going early. The caffeine (just a Starbucks short cup) had me going. I'm switching to tea because it's easier on my nervous system.

Why does peace have to be a dream? Why can't it be the normal state of our lives, our world? For some reason I'm missing Christmas time...everything is more peacefull during the holiday season.

Sometimes we keep moving without process all that has happened. Sometimes we don't want to think of what has happened. Sometimes we to push the feelings to the side so that we can function, get by, get past the hurt. But the hurt doesn't leave because we refuse to acknowledge it. Some part of us remembers it, and it shows up in a dream. It shows up as a reaction. It shows up as illness, an ache, a pain...in the neck, back...where ever.

It just hit me...pause is meditation! Something I've been putting off for some time. You'd think meditation was easier than wishing that the Earth could stop spinning for me, huh?

I had some revealing dreams last night. I remember feeling that the dream was so real and praying in the dream 'God, please let me be dreaming!' And I was...

Sun Day

Life is about change
and still sometimes I get stuck in what was
what isn't now and what hasn't been for a while
I mean...I keep moving because I have to
Not always because I want to
Eventually I catch up with what is and leave what was behind...
stored in memory banks where time really doesn't exist
except in my head...
Sometime we want to know why?
Why things have to change before we are ready to embrace them?
Is it that Some part of us must be ready for the change but
we aren't aware of it yet?

Be carefull of that which comes to easy with little work or sacrifice on your part!
As easy as it comes, it can go that easy too.
I've ignored many signs in my day
Many warnings I didn't heed.
Many gut feelings I pushed aside.
Need...need...need
Examine how you relate to that word.
How does it interfere with "will"?
Changes...
Things are not always the way you think they are.
We think negatively about people and situations because they aren't following the script we wrote.
They are playing the part we wrote out for them.
Stop!
Let people be who they are.
Learn them through there actions with you.
And if there are no actions towards you, that is a lesson too!
No one has to shape-shift or change themselves to be loved.
If you find yourself feeling the need to change yourself in the hopes of being accepted by another, Stop now!
Give your time and attention to those who are accepting of you just as you are, but
that's useless to think that if you haven't accepted yourself.
I'm thankfull for my story.
I'm thankfull for my memory.
I'm thankfull for my lessons.
I'm thankfull for my present.
I'm thankfull for being.
I'm thankfull for love.
I'm thankfull for intuition.
I'm thankfull for second chances.
I'm thankfull for forgiveness.
I'm thankfull for the ancestors that remind me that I'm not tired yet...there's so much to do yet...we've got a ways to go yet...and we're right where we need to be.
Thank U!

Lastly, examine your motives and intentions in all that you do. Every gift is a blessing from the Creator/God. If God guides you, give all praise and honor to God. We've got to move out of the way because we get stuck on ourselves. Our good is eclipsed by our large heads/egos...Let's move out of the way of our blessings.

Let me grieve one last time before laying this thing on my heart and mind to rest...it's time to move on...it's time.

Remember, things are not always as they appear because there are so many ways to see. Rely on the eyes that you can't see.

We used to run and play outside from sun up to sun down. Now days the only exercise most of us get is digital (the fingers)...clicking away at keys conversing with others, attempting to ward off loneliness and find some place, some one to commune with us.

How is it that I remember as many id's and passwords as I do? I try to use the same ones, but the same one isn't always available.

I've been extremely tired over the last few days since my holiday travel. Probably a combination of less sleep and low iron. Life is good though! I've been wanting to have some quiet time to read. I finished the two reports I had to complete over the summer. Hopefully, I won't have any other reports to do until September. Summers at work used to be fun...I'm still waiting for the fun to kick in. I'm sure we'll get there soon.

I will start working on my landscaping project this weekend. I put it off as long as I possibly can. My yard is beginning to look REAL raggedy. That word looks funny- "raggedy". It looks like it wants to be tragic and raged...not my yard...the word raggedy.

This week has really flown by fast. It seems that I was just at Sunday with my family, and Saturday watching Live8.

This weekend I'd like to get some exercise, read the new books I purchased Wednesday, breathe deeper than the day before, feel centered, eat good for me food (no coffee and iced lemon pound cake from Starbucks), drink a Blueberry Izze soda, talk to my momma and my sister, practice on the drum set, do some relaxation exercises, and just feel plain old at peace. I want to get centered enough to begin writing short stories I've been thinking about for some time now.

I'm not really sure how I've been feeling lately. I know that I've been a little disoriented because I did something different with my family. We had a family meeting and for the first time many of us opened up to allow others to see parts of us that we haven't shown/exposed before. We cried, we laughed and we prayed. That was a major first for my extended family...we all gathered together and if wasn't because someone died or was about to die.

Waking up to the news of the explosions in London was disorienting too. I'm just not sure what to make of it all. I'm been a little more saturated with the news of it than I should be.

I can't wait to rest and relax. I'm eating late tonight. So, I gotta stay up late....

Hurricane season is back! Has been for a minute...

I wanna get right inside. feel okay... feel my peace... get quiet, be faithfull...

Be faithfull...

Tips for the weekend:
Make your communion and communications with others meaningfull.
Don't use others for your personal pleasure or gain.
Don't speak to hear yourself talk...save your breathe.
Actively Love yourself and others...
Do something good for yourself and others.
Find your peace of mind.
Humble yourself.
Apologize if you know you've offended someone regardless of their response to your apology.
Be thankfull for life.
Get centered if you aren't already.
Be nice!

peace

My intent today

Today...I hope to finish a report that I'm working on this Summer. Today, I want to challenge myself to open and honest with myself and others. Today, I want to give in the way I would want to receive from another. Today, I intend to practice kindness to myself and others. Today, I intend to practice love, not just speak it. Today, I will not add insult to someone's injury. If I see someone hurting, I will not add to their hurt. I will radiate the peace and calm that I feel...It might be contagious. Today, I want to love more and more and share it.

What is your intent today? Is it for selfish pleasure and amusement? Be well...be well...

Family

I had a beautifull weekend with my family. I had the opportunity to spend time with my whole family...every member of the extended clan that came out to be a part of a family meeting that my cousin felt "lead" to convene following a family crisis. It was such a blessing to share with everyone. We prayed together, cried together, talked and listened to each/with each other. We started the process of dealing with our collective hurt, shame and disappointments as well as our growth, blessings and healing.

My grandmother, who is 92 years old was present with her 8 children. The youngest turned 51 yesterday. There were at least 70 adults and about 15 children present. A lot of people didn't show up because they feared that the energy of anger would take over and guide the meeting down a horrible path. But love and the positive vibes many of us brought with us prevailed. It was the first of hopefully many family meetings.

My family is so very important to me. I dropped off and away from family because I needed to know I needed to heal and get to know myself. I didn't feel like I fit in anymore...I feared that I couldn't relate to them anymore. I didn't want to deal with the discomfort of not being who they expected me to be 20 and 30 years ago. I have changed...so have many of them but we've never gotten to know who the other is now.

If people don't share their authentic selves with others, you never know who you are dealing with. It's hard to share when you don't fully understand the you that yourself. I finally gained the confidence to be myself instead of the "me" people knew as a child more and more. I've had the confidence because I've had the peace within. I've felt settled. I've faced fears and I've challenged myself to open up to others. It's hard to explain right now...Maybe it will be easier to articulate at another time.

Being grounded and centered is so very important. Family grounds me. I don't want to be away any longer. It's my responsibility to share myself with my family so that they will get to know the me that I am today. Not everyone will like us. Not everyone will understand us. In order to share ourselves and be confident in that sharing we must understand and like ourselves. Sometimes that's a daily task.

No one can make you act out of your character. The way we act is in us. Others my help us access parts of ourselves, but whatever comes out was there/ a part of us. No one makes us act a certain way.

Be the friend/family member/lover/spouse you want others to be to you. And I must heed my own words.

CBC News Indepth: Ethiopia

CBC News Indepth: Ethiopia

Touched

I cried when I saw the photograph of the child from Ethiopia on death's door and then to see her standing on the stage 20 years later. There are no words to describe the ache I felt in my heart...

Her name is Birhan Woldu. The photograph of the child is titled "The Face of Famine" from 1984.
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