Thank God that I found Georgia Ann Muldrow! I love her music! I love her art!

When we make Art, in all its forms, we can make , create love. You don't need protection...unless your art involves fire...then u need something to extinguish the flames.

Sometimes it is best to let sleeping dogs lie... Try and sneak by. Hopefully, his head won't pop up when he hears you. Deep sleep dog, deep sleep...as you try to get by. Sweet talk him if he wakes up! Truth usually works...good doggy!

I recognize my old loves
When they show up again
I'm drawn to them like magnets
My eyes can't recall
But my heart knows...
Spirit knows
Maybe you were my sister or brother
Or mother
Maybe you protected me like father
We can never be sure
Except to know when love wants nothing but the freedom to be love
Then we know it is pure...
Love says don't block my flow

I'm thinking about love, taking risks, and putting myself "out there," so to speak. I was watching YouTube videos and came across a quote that says,

"Love is the experience we humans have when we open our heart enough so that the flow of God, or Spirit, can pass through our heart. That's what's happening when we feel love." -Michael Singer...

I spoke with a sister-friend today and she talked to me about how she's been crying a lot lately. She said, "I think I grieving my life. The life I didn't have. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be married...the life I dreamed of as a child, I don't have." It was sad to hear, sad to know, and sad to feel the hopelessness in her voice. I kept thinking to myself, "But, this is what you chose, and you can have a child and a husband." I told her eventually and she kicked in with the, "yeah, but..." I just listened because that's what was needed...but my thoughts continued.

This is the world according to me...Love is a choice. We choose the lives we want and whether we have love in our lives. Fear will always creep in when we embark on new things, scary things...the unfamiliar can be scary as hell. Putting yourself out there to love, to share yourself with another is scary. It doesn't matter if it is a romantic relationship, friendship, a new venture professional or personal, you expose yourself, become naked, without defense, to show your weaknesses, your strengths, your quirks, your annoying ways...once you decide to be who you authentically are you are going to get scared, fear will show up, but don't retreat. instead, push through the fear. Many of us from time to time (or permanently) have chosen no to feel nothing, to be numb....I know that place well and choose not to ever invite numbness in again. Some have chosen to do nothing, and the result is the same...numbness, no joy, no excitement, playing it safe. i speak from experience... Life is meant to be lived. In order to experience life and all the joys, we risk and we will feel pain. Our hearts will be broken. we will be rejected or turned down...Accept it, and know that you have the capacity to deal with it, survive, and heal. Once you've healed enough, throw yourself back into life again. Don't keep numbing and dulling feelings. You can't receive love with a closed heart. The book A Course In Miracles says that there are only two emotions, Love and Fear... Love is expansive. Fear is limiting. Love heals. Fear kills. Commit to loving yourself...when you love something you want to take care of it, protect it, nurture it. You want what is best for it even when you are not it. Love is freedom!

Happy Friday, 1st Day of Winter...

Today was my last day of work for the year. It was an exciting day. My work life is spent working towards the next break or day off. I knew that the work flow was slow today and that I wouldn't be doing much today. My goal was to show up, and I did. I was released from work early. I really appreciated that. I went in late and left early. I was there for approximately three hours, if that long. I was able to talk to my former student service/school psych friend. I miss her so much. I miss our talks and our share sessions.

I don't really have much to say right now. There's been a lot of that going on...folks not sharing much in the virtual world...maybe a reflection of the inner. Maybe folks are going within. Don't know because nobody shares deeply in my virtual world, or should I say rarely. I really need to explore other ways of connecting with others...create opportunities to relate to folks on the spiritual path...folks that want to share.

An Offering

Offering...an offering... I keep hearing Oprah use the word and I remember reading about making an offering in Iyanla's first book, Tapping the Power Within, years ago. We often associate "an offering" with giving money to the church. However, it really is anything that you give of yourself, from yourself to the greater good of all, to the universe, to humanity...each word, each thought becomes a prayer and each deed, everything that you create ...our service to each other...kindness, love...it is all an offering to that which you serve.  In some religious ceremonies and practices, an offering is made to God or the gods. We can present physical offerings...money, a work of art, movies, music, dance, writing, information...we can present non-material offerings...love, service, gratitude...we receive through giving...through offering and sharing our talents and gifts with the world. Do not hold on to your gifts...give them, use them, share them...make an offering...create something...make it your best anything and offer it up!

Thoughts...Newtown Massacre...Grief

I saw a brief clip of the news a few minutes ago. The news is not on in my house because I have a 6 year old that I do not wish to expose to the tragedy in Connecticut. I do not wish to over expose myself to it either. My heart aches for the victims, their families, the school personnel, the first responders, the crisis teams called in to support the children, the town...the pastors who have to comfort all. My heart aches for our nation. Where are we going? We can't bomb, shoot, or kill our way to peace, or to reconcile differences. It's incongruent. It doesn't add up. Makes no sense. Every life is precious. An Iraqi life, an American life, a Palestinian life, a Jewish life, an aborigine life, a Sudanese life...a life from Newtown, a life from Chicago, a life from Charlottesville, a life from Toledo, a life from Long Island, a life from Tokyo, a life from Malaysia, a life from El Salvador, a life from New Delhi, a life from Southeast or Northwest DC...ALL life is precious and even though it doesn't all get in depth coverage, mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and cousins and aunts and uncles and god mothers and god fathers and god sisters and brothers and classmates and coworkers and gas station attendants and hairdressers and karate instructors and piano teachers and janitors ALL miss them, ALL of the dead, when they are gone. I know as a member of the human family who feels human suffering, I know that I must grieve this loss of life cut short prematurely and unnecessarily. Maybe I will make time every week to pray for all of us who grieve. Maybe when I have a private moment, I will allow myself the opportunity to feel the sadness that comes way thinking about putting yourself in the shoes of those who've lost loved ones in this way. I know that life goes on. I know that we must find a way, a better way to take care of each other and ourselves. I know that eventually this event will slip further back into the recesses of our minds like 9/11 and Katrina and VA Tech and Aurora. It will and It has to because life is lived in the NOW...not the past or the future. I know that we will never forget. We will remember... I know that every parent and family member and friend who lost a loved one is never the same again. Life is forever changed, but it can be full of love again. Full of hope again. These are times that we must cleave to God. Hold on to each other and make each day better. Not just for ourselves but for ALL.

She told me to say what ever I felt to say. She said that life is too short not to say it. I would second guess myself because well maybe people weren't feeling it since there was no "like." She said that my healing would help another heal. She said freeing myself would help someone else get free. And then she told me to listen to Donnie Hathaway's "For All We Know" ...and then it all made sense. Life is short, and at times it seems unfair...but we will roll with the punches as they come. I will honor my feelings. I will honor my calling to share and express myself. I am freeing myself. I am honoring the call to share, to give, to heal, to support, to love...why should I apologize for that because another is uncomfortable? Why should I limit what I say, or not say anything? I shouldn't and I won't. Like water I keep flowing, and like the sunflower I keep growing higher, reaching higher for my source...the source of all life.

Have you noticed how water always seems to find a path to follow in order to reach other sources of water? How when something is blocking its flow, it will find an alternative path? When there is no place to go it pools, it puddles. What if our dreams and blessings were trying to reach us with the same determination and perseverance? What if when we block the flow to sharing our gifts, talents and passions, something wells up in us, pools and puddles inside us? Stagnant. When there is no expression or manifestation of God's gifts to us...what if?

Oracle card reading today 12/16/12

Teacher, Write, and Take Charge of the Situation


I can work with that this morning!

"There are moments when troubles enter our lives and we can do nothing to avoid them. But they are there for a reason. Only when we have overcome them will we understand why they were there." -The Fifth Mountain, Paulo Coelho

A conversation...

A: Why don't people ask for what they want? Ask for what they need?

B: Fear of being rejected or turned down, I guess.

A: So...out of fear of being rejected, people reject themselves or their request for something first (by not asking) before it can be rejected after asking?

B: Yes.

A: Well, that guarantees defeat!

B: I know, but spares rejection.

Be Happy Now!

You cannot plan for future happiness. When I this, than I will be happy...or, when I get that... If happiness eludes you now, it will elude you when you get that thing or condition you say you wait for to make you happy. Be happy now. Now is the only time. Tomorrow only exists in our heads.

Momma help the babies...

I remember when my mom was in the hospital just before being discharged. She was on the palliative care unit and about to be discharged to home hospice care -The care you receive at home to provide comfort and assistance to the dying and their families. At the hospital, before the doctor came in to talk to me and my siblings, mom talked about the children on the other side. She needed to help the children, she said. She even told the doctor. The doctor told us, or maybe I just understood it to be true, that it wasn't uncommon for those transitioning to have feet in both realms. My mother loved children. She never wanted to see a child harmed or hurt the way she felt that she had been hurt as a child. She felt it was her mission in death to protect, help and watch over the children on the other side, in heaven....

Momma, in heaven, I ask that you assist those souls, those children whose spirits, souls are journeying to heaven. Assist them in getting acclimated. Comfort them. Let them know that they are safe in heaven. That they are not alone...please, send a call out to the angels and tell them that there are mommy's and daddy's that grieve hard and heavy, and to please surround them all in love, God's love. Momma, your love was great on earth and I know that it is great in heaven! I feel it everyday. Thank you for watching over me, my brother and my sister, your children. We are fine! We all have our things that we are growing through, but we are fine, fine, fine. We love you momma. Keep watching over the children, the babies in heaven. -pmb

I no longer hold on to things or people that don't want to be held on to. You gotta know when to let go. Letting go...it's a constant reminder to myself because there is alway the habit of wanting to hold on. There are few constants...change and God. The rest is subject to change.

Although I am horrified by the school shooting in Connecticut, I cannot allow fear to take over. I'm not going to lie. I thought about going to get my daughter from school because I want to make sure she is safe with me. The reality is that the safest place for her right now is her school. I could pick her up early and get into a car accident because another scared parent on the way to get their child collides with me...

Living, functioning, operating from a place of fear does not help anyone unless you are in the midst of a life or death situation. Self-preservation is first and foremost, but I'm not talking about a response to the necessary and immediate preservation of life. I'm talking about living in a culture and environment of fear. Bad things happen. Evil sometimes seems to prevail, but what would the world be like if we continue to operate out of fear. We would have more preemptive strikes like the one our country took against Iraq...based on false information, of course, but fear-based. We would hurt others in anticipation that they would hurt us. We would avoid potentially meaningful connections out of fear of being hurt. We would close ourselves off from others. Maybe stay in our homes and not interact or talk to anyone. Much of what we do these days is fear-based. I'm not interested in that. I've committed operating from a place of love, not fear. I know that crazy exists in the world, but I have to keep living love. This incident could force us all into seclusion. I can't go back to fear...I can't walk that path. I don't want to go where it leads.

Detachment

I am enjoying detachment and freedom from being tied to outcomes...results. I can shut myself down...stop myself from doing something before I do it because I've thought about the possible outcome... I've killed, aborted dreams before they have had an opportunity to materialize just from thinking negatively about the possibility of their not materializing or being accepted by others. Detachment has allowed me to act without thinking about the outcome. It has allowed me to just be in the moment of acting. This is not to say that I do not think of consequences for my actions. I am having faith that it is okay to be me...to act how I act, talk like I talk...It's okay to be authentic without fear of being rejected by others. That's what it all boils down to ...Rejecting self and projecting that out into the world. What about accepting self and projecting that out into the world? I'm working on that!

Lessons, Ah-ha moments, Etc...This week...

"You cannot get blood from a turnip." This lesson is being reinforced. Stepping back, away allows me to see how I am functioning and interacting with myself as well as the world around me. People cannot give what they don't have. Neither can I!

I am learning to keep my expectations in check. I am learning that I can set standards for myself and hold myself accountable, but it doesn't serve me well to be rigid about ways of functioning and being that I set for myself. Once a line is drawn or a decree is made, changing my mind based on how I feel at that present moment is allowed. I may choose to do something one minute because that is what I feel is needed at that time. That moment in time is different from another moment in time. Why punish myself because I feel different and decide to act accordingly? I have a tendency to say, 'I'm going to...and I'm not going to blah, blah, blah any longer!' It's okay for me to change my mind. It's okay for others to change their minds.

Attraction is powerfull. Why are we attracted to the things or people that we are attracted to? Not just physical attraction, but all types of attraction. Why? What are we drawn to certain individuals, experiences, situations, ideas, interests? I haven't quite figured it out yet. I do not believe in co-incidence. I believe that all things happen for a reason.

Everything happens in its own time. You, I cannot rush things. Fruit grown out of season either doesn't grow or it doesn't taste as good as it would if grown in season. Situations, people need optimal conditions to flourish. Like the plant that grows under the earth, we can't always see what's happening on the inside, underground, but we have faith that what we plant will take root in optimal conditions. I can't plant seeds in hard, frosty ground...they just won't grow. The sun it needs...the temperature it needs...these are not optimal conditions for growth.

What are the optimal conditions for my growth? I need love. I need support. I need exercise. I need attention. I need inspiration. I need connection with other souls. I need music. I need time alone. I need God. I need Spirit. I need opportunities to expand my consciousness and to grown.

"Don't take anything personally." - Don Miguel Ruiz
I have created so much drama in my own head that it's not funny. I came from a family where silence was interpreted as rejection. I have seen this play out in my own life as an adult. I have done that...why? I think it's human nature. When we don't know we fill in the blanks and make up a story based on our subjective experience. I don't know why the default stories we tell ourselves is most times negative. I have to really work with myself to prevent this from happening. The truth is people probably aren't thinking about us. I Really have to work on this.

I need exercise. It is a wonderfull mood booster! I feel so much better when I exercise. I feel more confident. I feel more social. (I think naturally I'm a loner and an introvert.) Exercise has helped me tremendously....in so many ways. I was inspired by my cousin's posts about exercising on Facebook. I knew it was something that I should've been doing, but didn't take it as serious as I needed to...I never committed. Now I know that exercise is the BEST gift that I can give to myself. I feel open to spirit when I exercise regularly. And, why wouldn't I? If God dwells in me and all of us, why wouldn't God show up under optimal conditions? Exercise, physical exertion forces us to breathe deep. They say that Breathing is our connection to God.

Being in the moment. I'm learning that this is of the utmost importance for me. There is rarely anything thing for me to worry about. I tend to think and think and think sometimes, and this forces me out of the present since I am rarely observing and being a part of what is happening at the present moment when I'm thinking and thinking and thinking. I am taking time to meditate. I am practicing a few times throughout the week. The break, the moment to sit in silence is golden. I so need the pause.

This is what came through for me this week. I may add to it later if I remember something else.

Scandal

It's about to go down!

Exercise is a great mood lifter. I know there is a science to it that escapes me right now, but I just feel plan old good after Zumba class. In my sedentary days, I felt like I was dying. I've often said that I felt like a race horse was trapped inside of my body fighting to get out. I am so ThankFull that I started exercising. I NEEDED something to draw me in, something to make it worth my while...it showed up as Zumba. I haven't done Zumba in weeks, maybe a month. If not a month, I'm close to it. I love music and I love dancing...

I remember years ago when Zumba first came on the scene. My girlfriend would always say, "I want somebody to go to a Zumba class with me." She refused to go unless someone went with her. She has not been to a class yet. I wish that she would try it just once with instructors that she jives with. She will be hooked!

I lasted the entire class without collapsing. It's been a minute, so I wasn't sure. Luckily, I've been keeping up with my burpee exercises...I believe that that has kept me going with the cardio.

I feel good, good, good...I need to keep this energy until my next hit! Lol

Letting Go...

I am enjoying the solitude, the peace of mind, and the opportunity to check in with myself to feel what I feel. There is so much busy, busy, busy that it gets tiring. I'm not sure where this path of solitude is leading, but it feels good. It was necessary to detach from the world, the virtual and the physical. It's important to act meaningfully instead of simply acting out of habit. I want deliberate, intentional acts. I'm not interested in second guessing myself or others. No analysis of motives...don't feel like scanning "what you want from me's?" I'm not interested in dis or mistrust. I want to...I need to act, give, and receive with pure intentions. I'm interested in mutuality, reciprocity...I do not want to do all the taking in this relationships. Or, all the giving in that relationship. I'm willing to let go of any and everything that isn't for me. I don't have to twist, bend or contort. What God has for me is for me. The end! Period. What God has for me is for me! I surrender the need to control the outcome. I surrender it to the All.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -Albert Einstein

It feels good to catch your breath. It feels good to change because you want to change and not have change forced on you. I have observed myself, felt myself doing things a certain way, having expectations that things will happen a certain way. I have grown tired of waiting to see the results. Am I abandoning the desire? No! I'm simply changing my focus. I'm taking the fever...the urgency out of the desire because at the end of the day there are more important things to put my energy on.

I do not know why I took myself on the trip I've been on. There is a reason, I know. It's just not evident to me yet. I'm sure I will see the manifestation at some point...it's been a set up for something else to happen. What? I don't know.

I'm okay with being in a different space right now. Sometimes, you have to be with yourself in solitude to know your thoughts, your motives, your intentions toward yourself. That's the space I'm now...just being where I am and being okay with not knowing. Faithful that it's all working out and I'll get it one day...just recalibrating is all I'm doing. Attempting balance.

In keeping with an exercise Eryka Badu did some time ago, I'm going to list thing that "I get to do", instead of things "I have to do ..."

1. I get to go to a good paying job with no drama.
2. I get to see my beautiful daughter and husband again and spend time, quality time with both of them...

More later.... ☺

...maybe I'm not connected with the feelings...I'm in hibernation, trying to heal these lungs. I know I need to rest. I need to change some things up...like going to bed earlier and actually getting a restful sleep.

Disconnecting...sometimes it's good and other times...not. I believe that any time spent in contemplation is time well spent. Being disconnected for too long isn't good for me. And some days I really just need to do nothing. I've been that way since I was a child. I need time to disengage. I absorb energies, emotions and, at times, I need to get my own energies and emotions straightened out. Wires get crossed...signals fade...my signal fades. What keeps the power station pumping? How do I keep the broadcast live? Time alone (period). I hate taking time off on work because I LOVE taking time off from work. It feels so good to be away from work that I wish that I didn't have to return. I guess most feel that way, huh?

I truly enjoyed watching OWN's Next Chapter with Kerry Washington, Shonda Rhimes, and Judy Smith. 3 bad sistahs! Three different sisters...there were a few things that stood out, resonated...Shonda said, and I heard it before,"When people show you who they are, believe them." Amen! Amen!

And then oprah's tweet..."@Oprah: Why could I weep? Because every free woman is the answer to a slave woman's prayers." I thought about that...I think about that. I think about being the first woman in my family of women ....great grandma, grandma, etc to go to college bachelors and then a masters degree, and the 2nd in the family... People were surviving...trying to hold on to their lives and the lives of their children...I know the ancestors had faith that one day we'd all be free. We are their dream! We have to keep making them proud...we take steps forward and backward, but we are further along than we were...in some cases further than yesterday!

If something that you are doing turns you into someone that you don't want to be or don't feel good about, then stop doing it. Job, relationship...whatever it is...find a way to give it up. Take yourself back!

For the first time in a long time, I ain't got sh*t to say...and that's okay with me.

Manifesting...

Sometimes, manifesting a state of being will be our greatest accomplishment. Peace at times of chaos, love where there is discord, faith where there is fear...courage...Acceptance...grace...joy.

The dream is connected to your passion which is connected to your purpose....this stuff...Dream, Passion, and Purpose, is ultimately between you and God!

Sometimes, we need someone to speak to the Divine in us so that we can see the qualities in ourselves that we don't see manifest ...yet.

And don't forget gifts, talents, qualities that you possess...those things deposited in your spirit by God. Use them!

Wanting to be less heady and more hearty. The heart is precious. It is a portal to the divine. It is how we access our truth...through our hearts. I don't want to protect it because protecting requires blocking its flow. I don't want to keep it at a distance from others...that's lonely. I want to love freely and receive love freely. No one wants to be the only one to keep putting their heart out there, open and vulnerable and others not meeting you half way...that doesn't feel good.

Relationships require relating. Communication requires communion...interacting with. I am no longer interested in exposing myself to environments that do not suit me, an environment where there is no flow...no back and forth...no exchange. The dynamic exchange of energy is essential for me...anything else is a drain...no more drainage.

I am no longer interested in the unreal ...the virtual...no simulated relationships...one-sided is lopsided, unbalanced, and I am no longer interested...

Just a declaration to and for myself to absorb....some truth, but mine.

Manifesting...thoughts on manifesting

Thinking and reflecting on manifesting...the art of making things happen this morning. If we think of all of our creations thus far, we would realize that we are all powerfull at making things happen. It is a matter where we place our attention...that is what shows up, the creation. For many years, I needed to manifest stability in my life. It showed up. It manifested.

In order to manifest anything we need a vision, an idea. We need to see something in our mind's eye...hopefully, that vision is connected to our heart, our passion. That's where the power comes from.

We are dream machines! Whoever you are, no matter how old or young, you should have a dream or dreams. And each day you can do a little bit more towards making that dream a reality. Making the dream manifest, show up in your life. Why can't you? There is a proverb that says, where there is no vision, the people will perish... Why is that true? Because visions represent hope of what can be...where are we without hope? And in all of this, there is faith and love... These, my friends, are just my thoughts, my inner meditations...and I share what shows up for me...

I would add ...do not judge another by what you believe another is manifesting based on outward appearances. God is in every cell. God is wrapped in the helix of our DNA. Our eyes cannot always see the inner workings of another's heart, mind, spirit. You will not always see a physical manifestation, but have faith that God is working. With commitment and focus, we will see physical manifestations...however, it could take some time.

Do not give up on or abandon your dreams. If you are not connected to your dream, go to the dream factory...create a sacred space within. I am working on this. I am...

Today, I continue to honor the needs of my physical body. I am traveling in low gear, trying to only consume those things that bring more energy and promote healing. One of the best things I can do for me at this moment is to listen and be still. I've plowed through tiredness without resting and I believe I have prolonged and obstructed healing. I could aid in my own destruction if i don't. Sometimes we just have to slow down, rest, and sleep so that the body can do what it naturally does...Heal itself! We are always working towards wholeness, but ofttimes get in our own way. Life doesn't always call for pushing through...sometimes we just need to flow with the natural current of life, no fighting...just flowing. I am patiently waiting to "spool up" as Eric says! (I love that phrase!)

Take away...if nothing else...vision, faith, commitment, do not abandon your dreams, visit the dream factory, be a dream machine...you can do it! We can do it!

And lastly, Sometimes, you need to keep your dream to yourself between you and God...distractors and detractors can derail you, help you lose confidence in you, and aid you in the abandonment of your heart's desires/Dream. Do not let it happen! Give your dreams the attention and energy you give to new love that shows up. You can do it! We can do it!

If you are at mission accomplished, then go back to the dream factory! You are never too old...no ceilings...dream big!