Who...What's Feeding You?
Lately, I can't help thinking about the company I keep. I keep thinking about what and who is feeding me? Who's rubbing off on and influencing me?
There have been several times in life where I would say and feel that I was a "loner". You know the type that prefers to do things solo as if that's what brought joy and peace. Sometimes out of conflict with others I've thought 'see, that's why I like being by myself.' Well the reality, at least for me, is I am tired of doing things alone. Tired of being a "solo" soul. Yes, people get on my nerves. But I am finding that I have not been being my authentic self. I have been busy being an accommodator. Smiling when I don't feel like it. Speaking when I don't want to because it's the so-called right thing to do even when I don't feel like it. There is a woman that I work with from the south...Atlanta, GA to be exact...and on occasion she tells us "I don't feel like no shit today" or "Don't fuck with me today". She puts us on notice, and we know...Don't mess with her. Don't say anything out of the way because we are having a bad day and want to dump on her as we as humans occasionally do to others.
I love and respect those who show their asses, so to speak. Who don't give a damn.
I'm not suggesting that I want to be a _itch to others. I don't believe in dumping my stuff on another person. But what I am saying is I want to be authentic.
Historically, black people in America have had to deny how they have truly felt about their oppressor, about white people. It was understandable. Why would they share the resources they stole with someone who hated them for injustices done against them. I have carried a similar mentality. I have lived a double life, a personal and a professional me. I am sure that there are many other me's that I have lived depending upon how I have perceived the situation.
I've had an inner critic in my head that said you can't talk this way or that way and be accepted in your prodominately white work place. They truth is I feel a lot of pressure working with white people. I am realizing as I get older that everyone can see that I am black. In my actions I try to combat the negative stereotypes that white americans have of black americans. I watched my speech so as to not sound ignorant.
I am less and less concerned about it, but I'd be lying if I said the concern, the self-consciousness doesn't still exist.
What's feeding me? My job is feeding me a diet that is killing me spiritually. My surroundings don't reflect me. I am the only black person in key meetings at each of my three schools. I could work with more blacks if I worked in DC or PG, but then I'd be dealing with another situation.
I have to combat this spiritual decline that I am feeling. I need the breath of spirit breathed back in to me. I want to feel connect to the ALL, the Most High God again. I want to engage in spiritual discourse and be fed in my Spirit. I want to feel higher level vibrations and e-motions. Not lower level vibrations where anger, jealousy and fear are bread.
I want to sing with Angels when I breathe. I want the vibration of my blink to be felt by my sister in Cali because that's how in-tuned we are to one another. We transmit and react to the negative, but rarely do we intentionally transmit, send out and receive consciously, the positive.
I've been associating with others who don't see life the way I do. No- I'm not expecting others to be other versions me. But I wanna reflect back a glow, a light, a love...that bounces off of me to them and comes back. It's nothing wrong with being with folks that honor you.
It's okay to wanna Be with like minded souls that make you wanna be a better version of the you you were yesterday or the day before. I need to eat better. I'm beginning to be spiritually anemic. I need to watch what I eat, watch what goes in via the senses....what is it that I hear? How am I being treated...feel? what am I seeing? what am I sensing? If it leaves a bad taste in your mouth, your gut, your spirit...leave it alone. It may not be good for you.
Pay attention to what's feeding you...
what we are feeding ourselves?
I rephrased it because nothing goes in that we don't give entry to
There have been several times in life where I would say and feel that I was a "loner". You know the type that prefers to do things solo as if that's what brought joy and peace. Sometimes out of conflict with others I've thought 'see, that's why I like being by myself.' Well the reality, at least for me, is I am tired of doing things alone. Tired of being a "solo" soul. Yes, people get on my nerves. But I am finding that I have not been being my authentic self. I have been busy being an accommodator. Smiling when I don't feel like it. Speaking when I don't want to because it's the so-called right thing to do even when I don't feel like it. There is a woman that I work with from the south...Atlanta, GA to be exact...and on occasion she tells us "I don't feel like no shit today" or "Don't fuck with me today". She puts us on notice, and we know...Don't mess with her. Don't say anything out of the way because we are having a bad day and want to dump on her as we as humans occasionally do to others.
I love and respect those who show their asses, so to speak. Who don't give a damn.
I'm not suggesting that I want to be a _itch to others. I don't believe in dumping my stuff on another person. But what I am saying is I want to be authentic.
Historically, black people in America have had to deny how they have truly felt about their oppressor, about white people. It was understandable. Why would they share the resources they stole with someone who hated them for injustices done against them. I have carried a similar mentality. I have lived a double life, a personal and a professional me. I am sure that there are many other me's that I have lived depending upon how I have perceived the situation.
I've had an inner critic in my head that said you can't talk this way or that way and be accepted in your prodominately white work place. They truth is I feel a lot of pressure working with white people. I am realizing as I get older that everyone can see that I am black. In my actions I try to combat the negative stereotypes that white americans have of black americans. I watched my speech so as to not sound ignorant.
I am less and less concerned about it, but I'd be lying if I said the concern, the self-consciousness doesn't still exist.
What's feeding me? My job is feeding me a diet that is killing me spiritually. My surroundings don't reflect me. I am the only black person in key meetings at each of my three schools. I could work with more blacks if I worked in DC or PG, but then I'd be dealing with another situation.
I have to combat this spiritual decline that I am feeling. I need the breath of spirit breathed back in to me. I want to feel connect to the ALL, the Most High God again. I want to engage in spiritual discourse and be fed in my Spirit. I want to feel higher level vibrations and e-motions. Not lower level vibrations where anger, jealousy and fear are bread.
I want to sing with Angels when I breathe. I want the vibration of my blink to be felt by my sister in Cali because that's how in-tuned we are to one another. We transmit and react to the negative, but rarely do we intentionally transmit, send out and receive consciously, the positive.
I've been associating with others who don't see life the way I do. No- I'm not expecting others to be other versions me. But I wanna reflect back a glow, a light, a love...that bounces off of me to them and comes back. It's nothing wrong with being with folks that honor you.
It's okay to wanna Be with like minded souls that make you wanna be a better version of the you you were yesterday or the day before. I need to eat better. I'm beginning to be spiritually anemic. I need to watch what I eat, watch what goes in via the senses....what is it that I hear? How am I being treated...feel? what am I seeing? what am I sensing? If it leaves a bad taste in your mouth, your gut, your spirit...leave it alone. It may not be good for you.
Pay attention to what's feeding you...
what we are feeding ourselves?
I rephrased it because nothing goes in that we don't give entry to
posted by Blackgold at 3:26 PM
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