Sunday Evening Ramblings
I started reading my poetry. I think it has taken me a while to crack the pages of the book (not published yet, but spiral bound) open because it's so emotionally laden. I mean...the stuff is charged!! I can't believe I wrote some of it. It has taken so many years of my life to get to the space where I can trust myself and others enough to articulate some of my deepest feelings and thoughts. I am so happy that I reached that place of trust and faith. Emotional honesty is the foundation of growth and healing. Sometimes I wonder if it is a fault, or a lack of boundaries to share so much of myself with others. But while I do share more of myself than I have ever shared before, I do not share everything with everybody. I do have limits, and I do have boundaries. Boundaries are healthy. There should be some flexibility based on the nature of our relationship with the other person. We don't want to have boundaries that are too loose or too rigid. Protecting ones self is basic to and necessary for survival. I know that I have crossed more than a few lines in my day. That's not uncommon when we haven't had appropriate boundaries modeled for us in our families.
There have been times in my life where I have felt too needy, and I wanted something from someone else. If you asked me I could not have articulated it. I still don't know if I can articulate it. My reaction to not liking that feeling was to avoid relationships altogether. I only had superficial dealings where my true self was not present. I didn't even know who my true self was much less have her be a part of my interactions with others.
How have I reconciled my need for interaction with others and the needy part of me that shows up from time to time? Well, I've spent a lot of time processing, talking about and thinking about what my needs are. I've taken risks to open up and allow others to get to know me. Before I allowed others to truly get to know me I had to believe that I was, and am, a good person who had something special to share with others. I had to give myself the validation that I needed. I had to affirm my worth and realize that no one could complete me.
No one could complete me. I am complete. Saying 'I am complete' is one thing. Knowing and being it is another. Some believe don't take them seriously...but I say affirmations. Believe me, they work. The subconscious mind is so powerfull! I affirm those things that I want to bring into existence, or should I say manifestation. Everything already exists. Sometimes it's a matter of if we 'see' it or not. Whatever we feed grows! Why not plant seeds of confidence? So often we rely on others to do for us what we must do for ourselves. I'm not saying that it doesn't feel good to be complimented by others. It does! But our worth and value cannot be tied solely to what others have to say about us. Sometimes we rely on other people's opinion so much that we don't feel good unless we are getting outside validation and compliments. That's too much control for others to have over our wellbeing.
I remember not feeling good if a boyfriend wasn't in my face or space and telling me that he loved me. It got to the point that he no longer enjoyed being around me because it was too much work for him. That was in high school and early college days. That is not the case today and it hasn't been in a while. There have been other challenges since those days though. More recently I had to remind myself that just because people change their minds (and actions) about interacting with me doesn't mean that I am less than. don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements helped me remember "not to take things personally". (I love that book!) The seeds of that affirmation had been planted and had taken root some time ago. I needed to remember because for whatever reason a part of me felt that it was personal. Also, my belief that everyone has free will, including myself, helped me to keep things in perspective. I believe that as spirit beings in wrapped in human clothes (skin) our "will" should be "free" to choose.
We all have our journeys. I learned early not to hold on too tight...(sting's If You Love Something Set It Free was one of my favorites as a teen growing up). Also, I trust the process that I've seen unfolding in my life. Good comes to me! It always has! People have left before. People have changed before. I've left and I've changed too! I always want that freedom for myself so I cannot take it away from another. Do I miss the people that I no longer have contact with? Yes, I do! I believe that it's all good though! There are many blessings in the form of friendships to come. Someone's making other choices that don't include me doesn't mean that they did anything to me. Some people are a part of our lives forever and for others it's temporary. I am blessed and appreciative of what was shared during the times our paths crossed. I keep walking...
Take emotional risks in life for the sake of growth, peace, healing and joy. I am a part of a communal people. Communion is a necessity for me. Those of us who spend time communing online when there are no other human links or bonds in our day to day lives, we are the blades of grass that grow out of concrete. We find a way! Just be carefull not to rely solely on internet interactions. Face to face, human interactions cannot be replaced. We need to feel the touch of others. We need to feel the warmth. We need to make eye contact. We need to feel the vibrations that can only come from our physical beings interacting with each other. The same goes for telephone love. (Remember that song?) Telephone love can't sustain us!
So, go out, take a risk and meet people. We can't confront our inclinations to be needy if we avoid interacting with others. How else do you learn? It's easy to confront neediness when we are alone. We have to interact with others to learn ourselves. Take the risk of being authentic! Get quiet, Listen to your own voice in your head. Get in touch with what's in your heart, and share more of what's there!
That's what I'm gonna do!
There have been times in my life where I have felt too needy, and I wanted something from someone else. If you asked me I could not have articulated it. I still don't know if I can articulate it. My reaction to not liking that feeling was to avoid relationships altogether. I only had superficial dealings where my true self was not present. I didn't even know who my true self was much less have her be a part of my interactions with others.
How have I reconciled my need for interaction with others and the needy part of me that shows up from time to time? Well, I've spent a lot of time processing, talking about and thinking about what my needs are. I've taken risks to open up and allow others to get to know me. Before I allowed others to truly get to know me I had to believe that I was, and am, a good person who had something special to share with others. I had to give myself the validation that I needed. I had to affirm my worth and realize that no one could complete me.
No one could complete me. I am complete. Saying 'I am complete' is one thing. Knowing and being it is another. Some believe don't take them seriously...but I say affirmations. Believe me, they work. The subconscious mind is so powerfull! I affirm those things that I want to bring into existence, or should I say manifestation. Everything already exists. Sometimes it's a matter of if we 'see' it or not. Whatever we feed grows! Why not plant seeds of confidence? So often we rely on others to do for us what we must do for ourselves. I'm not saying that it doesn't feel good to be complimented by others. It does! But our worth and value cannot be tied solely to what others have to say about us. Sometimes we rely on other people's opinion so much that we don't feel good unless we are getting outside validation and compliments. That's too much control for others to have over our wellbeing.
I remember not feeling good if a boyfriend wasn't in my face or space and telling me that he loved me. It got to the point that he no longer enjoyed being around me because it was too much work for him. That was in high school and early college days. That is not the case today and it hasn't been in a while. There have been other challenges since those days though. More recently I had to remind myself that just because people change their minds (and actions) about interacting with me doesn't mean that I am less than. don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements helped me remember "not to take things personally". (I love that book!) The seeds of that affirmation had been planted and had taken root some time ago. I needed to remember because for whatever reason a part of me felt that it was personal. Also, my belief that everyone has free will, including myself, helped me to keep things in perspective. I believe that as spirit beings in wrapped in human clothes (skin) our "will" should be "free" to choose.
We all have our journeys. I learned early not to hold on too tight...(sting's If You Love Something Set It Free was one of my favorites as a teen growing up). Also, I trust the process that I've seen unfolding in my life. Good comes to me! It always has! People have left before. People have changed before. I've left and I've changed too! I always want that freedom for myself so I cannot take it away from another. Do I miss the people that I no longer have contact with? Yes, I do! I believe that it's all good though! There are many blessings in the form of friendships to come. Someone's making other choices that don't include me doesn't mean that they did anything to me. Some people are a part of our lives forever and for others it's temporary. I am blessed and appreciative of what was shared during the times our paths crossed. I keep walking...
Take emotional risks in life for the sake of growth, peace, healing and joy. I am a part of a communal people. Communion is a necessity for me. Those of us who spend time communing online when there are no other human links or bonds in our day to day lives, we are the blades of grass that grow out of concrete. We find a way! Just be carefull not to rely solely on internet interactions. Face to face, human interactions cannot be replaced. We need to feel the touch of others. We need to feel the warmth. We need to make eye contact. We need to feel the vibrations that can only come from our physical beings interacting with each other. The same goes for telephone love. (Remember that song?) Telephone love can't sustain us!
So, go out, take a risk and meet people. We can't confront our inclinations to be needy if we avoid interacting with others. How else do you learn? It's easy to confront neediness when we are alone. We have to interact with others to learn ourselves. Take the risk of being authentic! Get quiet, Listen to your own voice in your head. Get in touch with what's in your heart, and share more of what's there!
That's what I'm gonna do!
posted by Blackgold at 7:14 PM
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