Confessional

It's one of those nights where I can't sleep. I lay down in the bed because my body feels tired but my mind just keeps going and going like the ever-ready battery bunny. I mean, it's traveling all over the place, but not exactly where I want it to go... I've thought about how dry my mouth was during a meeting that I chaired at work today and how I wished really bad that I had water or gum or candy or something... I was praying for saliva. How bad is that? Some pray for rain to water crops and others pray for that new job or that new relationship... Big things, or at least something more significant than saliva. My mouth was so dry... i should have excused myself, Left the meeting I was running. I mean who really cares about what they are talking about when every sound coming from your mouth is echoed and accented by the popping sound that is made when the little molecule of saliva, that answered prayed, is dried up when the roof of your mouth slams down again to form the next word... And I thought, 'I can hear this sound'. And I wondered, 'Can they hear this sound?' And I was embarrassed, but I didn't wanna get up and excuse myself, halt the meeting that I was chairing because I thought 'we're running out of time...we are already behind... I gotta get these folks out of here so the next meeting can start'. And after the meeting I share this with the psychologist who is sitting in the meeting with me and she says, "Yeah, I thought about getting you some water..." and I say to myself 'Damn'. I am recreating the fricking Sahara Desert in my mouth with sound effects and all and... I was embarrassed and tonight I couldn't stop thinking about my looking bad or less than put together in front of them because I know how they and sometimes we talk about people who aren't "perfect". And i thought about judgements again. And I thought about the atmospheres that we create and how safe and comfortable we make each other feel... Or, should I say how uncomfortable and unsafe the environments we create are. I need to look at and correct my part in creating a tense work environment.

I really wish that I felt like I was in my element at work. Have you ever watched salmon swim up stream on those nature shows? Looks tough doesn't it...like they are putting forth a lot of effort. At least that's how it looks to me. Well, many days I feel like a salmon walking on the sidewalk...trying to keep my whole body (and mouth) wet. LOL Praying for a good rain...
Something has to change for me on the work front. Day in and day out I'm doing work that isn't rewarding in environments that don't energize or affirm me. I-Robot... I go through the motions and many days my spirit feels heavy. I'm an energy being...I know that I can't keep doing this just for a pay check...It's costing me more than I can continue to pay.

I feel better having articulated what was on my mind. Those thoughts, that energy was just swirling around in my head.

Let me see...(hmm) what else is left to purge? I need stimulation in my life. That's a part of why work isn't fullfilling. I feel like a race horse is inside of me getting really impatient and frustrated because it can't get out on the track(or field) and run at top speed. Instead, it's pent up. What happens to the body, mind and spirit when we are going against our physical and spiritual natures? I've been fighting dis-ease, but we need to cure it!

God, me and you, we gotta get this right! I feel that it's me holding me back. i'm holding my own reigns... We (me with God) gotta deal with this.

I'm going to be so tired in the morning. It's a good thing I can sleep late.

Simple kisses
holding hands
it's still the stage in the relationship
where every move,
every touch is electric
tiny and exotic
jolts that travel down
meridians and pathways
for a few moments all
of my chakras are spinning
and projecting BIG bright
colorfull lights...
from one touch
oh, please, please, please
don't mention the thoughts
not the memories
or the ones i manufacture...
pure fiction is what this feels like
it's my best novel that yet to be written
my most erotic tale that's yet to be experienced
in living, live, real, true to life color
I want to taste you in megapixels
see you in scents
feel you in decibels
At night I see you
you're Sirius
I know you are...
and during the day
you shine your rays on me
And I could tell you
about every place that I've seen you
every way that felt you
and every prayer that I've prayed to
be blessed with you
there is nothing that compares
to your electric touches
and transcendental kiss

Copyright © 2005 Blackgold347


I think I can sleep now...