Fear and Avoidance

For heart goes out to her
she does and does and does
but doesn't know what fuels her
she's looking for her self
her soul
her life
in the comfort she finds in the arms of others
it's not uncommon
but her arms are never cold
she keeps them wrapped around others
her arms are never empty the way that her heart is
I know she misses her mother
the mother she never had...
the mother, the one who would have protected her from the greatest harm
how does she make it right?
how does she make her peace
when she keeps thinking that this piece
and that piece will satisfy the desire
of her soul
she never sits with herself
someone else is always there to distract her
she loves but because she needs
she needs to much that she
keeps the ones she loves chained to her heart
they can only go but so far
even when she strays and strays and strays
she seeks comfort while turning from her spirit and her goddess self
selfishly she controls the outcome of her conquests
each one...she takes from, grows from
feeds off of them to nourish her emotions
to kill her pain,
to silence her fears
of being not good enough,
not being white enough,
not being smart enough,
not being popular enough
I know she needs her mother
she's still four and five inside
getting love from sex and bodies
only to feel empty after
the thrill is gone...
the thrill never stays
she keeps going and going
always in something
and not know why or how
she landed there
she wants control of anything
because she has control over nothing
not even her body
not even her thoughts
she can't even tell you her truth
because years ago she sold it to ward off loneliness
she has no spiritual practice
she lost herself,
maybe she's finding herself...
searching where others are
not going where God lives...within
never finding what she needs...without
I know she'll find her way
she's getting too old to keep up this play... on lives
Life will force your hand,
and your heart and your mind
you've only exercised your ability to pull others to you
using sex...
a set up from the start
will you ever be able to show them your heart?
Will you show the pain,
the shame,
the stain of abuse that you carry?
Maybe that's what drives you
the void you should have filled with spirit
is filled with fear...
fear and loneliness...
giving your life to avoid the two
has kept you, her, she
from knowing...
truly knowing you.
today you say you know not what you do
when will you stop,
look up,
take account,
figure it out?
when will fear
and avoidance
to driving you to...
destination unknown?

© 2005