I haven't felt so good today for a variety of reasons. Some I understand and others I do not. Vulnerability...I am in a space where I am feeling a little more exposed. Like I revealed too much. Why does it matter? I don't know. What is my agenda? Did n't know I had one. Today, I just want to raise my spirits. I think I am a little low because I have not replaced the Christmas holiday with something that has more meaning. I do not have a ritual for this time of year. So, there is a void there. I am beginning to believe that I get sad during this time of year. Last year was good because I had major distractions. I filled the void with other things. Today, how I feel today may just be a moment of acknowledging where I am at this moment. I tried to pull out my old security blankets but it still left me unfullfilled. Just doesn't do it anymore.

Some friendships fall to the level of games being played with authenticity is not agreed upon. What does that mean? I know what I mean but don't feel like articulating it. There have been times over the past few weeks where I have written of mourning the loss of a relationship. Today, I am feeling that loss again. The feeling waxes and wanes. Like the tide it comes and goes. I know that this will pass. It's a bitch sometimes. Navigating interactions with others. There were days when I felt I was an island unto myself. I was miserable and that was bullshit. I need other people...I must choose realistic connections that give what I need. My choices have to be reality based. I am moving to that place right now. Movement requires an energy, a force to move us. I'm just in my moment...the moment right before i accept the reality of this situation and head in the direction of where I need to be.

I'm just having a moment. A moment where I have to deal with me where I am with no distractions. I had a dream the other night that suggested that I wanted to escape...But from what? I'm not really sure yet.

Where I am right now has nothing to do with anyone else. It has to do with me...it is my phase, me dealing with me. I hate giving my power to others...even my moments of confusion...I want to own them or view these moments as blessings from the Creator, opportunities to get it right, make it, life, better. I can't blame another for anything. It's all a lesson being taught in earth school.

Reason, Season, Lifetime...I think this one was a reason. I have learned somethings, specific things about me and I am appreciative of that...now what do I do with what I have learned? I am still trying to figure that out.

For a minute I thought that I revealed too much to another, but I now realize that my revealing, my sharing my honesty with myself was needed. Honesty.